Message for You

Chapter 1: Take me home

Chapter 1: Take me home

"How dreadful. All I can feel is sadness and pain. No matter what I do, I always feel all alone. Likely that I am sitting in a spot light, where no one else is beyond in my sight except a pitch black of darkness which surrounds me. It is such a horrible feeling. The feeling of being disgusted and rejected by your own kind. I'm so sick of myself that I want to die. But what can I do? I'm just a mere child and my body won't allow me, because of my fear of feeling more pain. I don't want to torture myself, even for a single bit. But why I feel that I am already torturing myself in this god damned world? I don't want to die but I want to get out of here. I barely don't know exactly where to go. I don't know where is safe to make myself peaceful. I really don't get the word reality anymore. But it's no use. Nothing can turn this nightmare into what I wanted to be. Fate doesn't let me. So rather than wishing to die, I just accept the fact that this torture will continue till the end is nigh. Die?... What am I saying? That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary..."

And that's what I've just read on these carvings on the wall beside this hospital bed. It seems so deep and meaningful. And I believe this is no joke. No one would ever write these sentences in some unsuspecting place for no reason. And I feel that this person was very upset of its own self. I can't understand what is up with this person of saying these kind of things. Maybe this person is really sick about its life. And it's natural for us people wanting to die because of distress. But, this is not normal for a person wanting to end its life. I mean, there are so many things to see in this world, no matter how cruel it is, still there are more things that we need to know. And it is a total waste if a person chooses to die. So I ask "why". Why this person wants to die?

"Claire? What are you doing down there?"

CLAIRE: Huh!? Oh it's you! Oh God you startled me Martha!

MARTHA: Oh I didn't mean to scare you but, what are you doing there? Are you searching for something?

CLAIRE: Huh? Oh! Oh this!? Well...I just lost my pin down there that's all. But I have found it now at least!

MARTHA: Well...that's good for you. But you have to avoid kneeling down the ground very often next time. You don't want anyone peeking on you now do you?

CLAIRE: What!? Of course I don't want to... Oh geez this is embarrassing.

MARTHA: You should better be cautious next time. You'll never know who will watch you next.

CLAIRE: Come on! Don't scare me like that!

Claire Callahan, twenty one years old. A nurse from this hospital. Trenton Hospital to be exact. I'm just starting here at this moment and this is my first week of the job. Like always, I must start to get to know of this place, including the people here. And all of the things that are present here. I'm expecting that all I ever see here are sick people or people with handicaps, doctors, and the scenario of saving lives. Also I expect that there will be a time when there are sad times or bad times. Like someone dies from their illness or from their oldness. And this is an unbearable moment for me to expect. But I have no choice but to accept this fact as well. I kinda feel like I am beginning to understand what that person wrote on that wall. Somehow. Now I'm becoming more intrigued by this person. Despite the fact that those writings are very old looking. But I feel that there's no possibility if this person still lives. I have an assurance that I'll never see this person or possibly this person had died already. Wait. I remember something. But I can't remember it exactly. It has something to do with the word "die". Maybe I go check it out again. So I kneeled on the floor again to read that writings on that wall behind that hospital bed.

CLAIRE: ...Oh here it is! "Die?... What am I saying? That word doesn't exist in my vocabulary." Hmm...

What does this person meant by the word die doesn't "exist" in its vocabulary? I quite understand why this person don't want to die in the other side of this person's story. By being a child and its thoughts about being afraid to hurt itself more but, why it feels like there is something more about these last sentences. I wonder why.