I originally wrote this when I was in college. It was a time of changes that I feel over-awed with the pressure and the anxiety of growing up.
Start:
It has never been easy growing up with a sense of being an ‘inferior’. It constantly reminds me of a well-known fact– that we humans, no matter how powerful or famous we are on earth, are just insignificant specks when exposed to the vastness of the universe. And when we die, we take with us nothing. People are different from each other- have different beliefs, different way of life and different mindset- but they are similar in one thing: they do not know what they really want. …And it’s very hard to please them. You feed them with knowledge, with principles, with goodness, but they still crave for more even though they feel like already throwing up. How pathetic.
When I’m alone, I always reflect on so many things and always find for something that will raise my curiosity. I have been shy all my life, and almost contemptuously labelled this as an ‘emotional disability’. It may sound pathetic to other people, but this perhaps is the worst kind of feeling that a person could possibly experience. And it is not easy to overcome it. It is constantly a source of fear and anger that I’m becoming increasingly concern of the effects it has on my view of the world and the people. It may be difficult but I try to compensate for this by immersing myself in the wisdom that the real world can give me and the truth that is within each person so that I could better understand everything. I want to express myself through writing and through my interests, and feel that I’m really a part of this world. That I’m not just another person who waits until her time expires…or a nobody that will not notice by the world when she disappears. The senseless feeling of being inhibited and being shut in within oneself, and the (groundless) thought that all people are silently putting you down…it’s depressing, that sometimes I find myself echoing Hitomi’s words “Just fade away…” But nothing can be helped, and it does not free me from the burdens of humanity; in fact, most of the time I tortured myself with the thought that the world is full of misery and that there should be done about it. As a child, there is already a desire to help those who are afflicted and it slowly grew within that sometimes I already do not know where, when and how to start. I always think that behind all the awful things I see and hear in everyday life, there is an oasis of love and peace in all existence. This is what forged my personality and my state of mind, and this is also what sustains my love for life up to now. End
