One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 30 - Finn

It feels like Rae has been gone forever. I look around to see whether Chloe and her had come out of the toilets and have just not made their way back to the table yet. I am looking for her beautiful face, those eyes and lips, lips that I get to kiss, and eyes that I get to make dance when she smiles. I can't see her, so I assume they are still debriefing. Geez, I wonder what she is saying. I hope that I haven't been disappointing. I mean I don't care if I live up to the ridiculous image that has been created of me, but I do hope that I have been making Rae happy. I don't think the look in Rae's eyes can be a lie, so I try not to overthink whatever they may or may not be talking about.

Just as I have finished my drink, I see Chloe over in the far corner of the pub, with some guy draped over her. Rae is nowhere near Chloe. Given how this guy is with Chloe it would appear that she has been there for some time. So where the fuck is Rae? I make my way over to Chloe, and I tap the guy on the shoulder, handing him a larger. I ask him to give me a minute with Chloe. He obliges.

"Where is Rae?" I ask.

"I don't know, she left me in the bathroom a while ago" Chloe replies.

"What do you mean you don't know?" I ask.

"She left me there, mid sentence Finn, I don't know where she went?" Chloe continues to justify why she doesn't know where Rae is.

To stop myself losing it at Chloe, I run my hands through my hair in frustration. I take a deep breathe. I lean into Chloe and ask "What were you talking about when she left?"

"You" she replies dropping her eyes away from me.

"Look at me Chloe" I demand "what about me?" I ask.

"I don't know" Chloe replies.

"Bullshit Chloe, don't avoid my question" I raise my voice so that the people next to us, tap me on the shoulder and ask if everything is ok. I try and pretend that I am calm and I tell the people that we are fine. Chloe is still not looking at me. My blood is boiling. "What was said about me Chloe? I need to know" I ask again.

"We were talking about why you like her" Chloe answers.

Finally, she fucking answers me. "And why is it that I like her Chloe?" I demand.

"Who knows, I don't understand it Finn. I love Rae, but seriously she isn't your usual type of girl" she says it, and I am instantly furious.

"And you told Rae this? You pointed out her flaws rather than any reason that I may be drawn to her?" I am yelling now and there is no way to restrain myself. Next thing I know I have Archie and Chop on either side of me.

"Calm down Finn" I can hear Archie. I turn to him and then back to Chloe. "Do you have any fucking idea what you have done Chloe? Any idea?" I shake the hold that Archie and Chop have on me and I make my way outside.

This is my worst nightmare.

As I get outside, Archie is beside me. "Finn, mate, calm down. What the hell is going on?"

"Fucking Chloe Archie, Fucking Chloe. She is no friend of Rae's. She has destroyed Rae, and I have to go find her" I say.

"Finn, calm down, you need to calm down before you go anywhere. Seeing Rae while you are like this won't make this any better. You have to calm down Finn." I can hear Archie, but I don't really understand what he is saying. All I can see is red. If Chloe was a lad I would of flattened her. Instead I go to punch the wall, only for Archie to stop me.

"Finn, come back in, have another drink, calm down and think about what you are going to do rather than just react. If Rae sees you like this, you are going to frighten her."

"I can't Archie, I need to get to her" I say.

"Well Finn, I won't let you go to her until you have calmed down."

I reluctantly walk back into the pub, Archie guides me to our table, and asks Chop to get me a drink. I sit with Archie. I have such a nervous energy about me, I can't sit still. Chop returns with a drink and Archie orders me to drink it. I can see Chloe on the other side of the pub, with the guy back with her kissing her. It just fuels my anger. I scull the beer and say nothing. I sit there watching Chloe and before the lads can figure out what I am doing, I am back by Chloe's side. I drag the guy off her and hold him back from her and me.

"You know what Chloe, you have no fucking idea who I am, what I feel, or what Rae means to me. You are suppose to be her friend, you are meant to be mine, but rather than be happy for her, for me, for us, you decided to be a fucking bitch." As I said my piece, I walked away.

I make my way outside, and think about what to do next. I don't rush to Rae's, I walk calming, thinking about how to fix this. Fix something I didn't cause. As I get to Rae's house, I sit in the front garden still without the right words to try and fix this. I roll a cigarette and light it. I draw in, an exhale. I know she is safe at least, I can see lights are on. I finally gather up enough strength and courage to knock on the door. I can see Rae's silhouette through the front door.

"Rae" I say calmly.

"Please Finn, you need to go home" Rae says.

"Rae, I don't want to go until you tell me what happened. After you tell me what happened, I hope that you will let me in, but, if you don't want to, then I will go home" I say sadly.

"Finn, we both know this is a massive joke. I let myself believe for a couple of days it wasn't, but it is. I now realise it is a mistake, and it needs to end. Please go home. Please leave me alone. Please don't lie to me, or fill my head with nonsense. I promise to never speak of this weekend to anyone. I don't want any trouble, I just want to fade away, and be nothing, just like I was before I first spoke to you" she says breaking my heart with every word.

"You know what Rae" I say through tears "I can't keep having to chase you. I need you to believe me, and not let others do this to you, me, us. I have never lied to you." I can hear Rae's tears through the door. "Rae, please let me in" I ask.

"I am sorry Finn" Rae says. I watch her through the door. I can hear her checking the door lock. She moved away from the door, and from me. She turned off the light. She is gone.

I sat there for a while, hoping she would change her mind.

Hoping she would let me in.

I don't know how long I sat here, it felt like time had stopped. I eventually get up, and make my way home. I wipe my tears, light another cigarette and take off, dragging my feet. My heart is heavy, my head hurts, my arms are empty.

Us, becomes me and her. This is not the way it is suppose to be.

My mind keeps going through the events of the last week. She ran, I let her in, she has run away from me. I really don't know if I have the strength to do this again, to chase her, but I also don't know what I will do without her.

When I get home, I walk in the front door, walk slowly up the stairs to my room. It is the last thing I want to do, be alone, but she has left me no choice. Once I am ready for bed I slip in under the covers, I can still feel Rae here with me. I finally let go. I cry more tears than I have in years and I feel more sad than I thought possible. I feel hopeless as I have no idea what I am going to do.

Me alone, while being the norm for years, seems like a foreign concept after being with Rae.