Where I've Gone. Where I've Been.

My Story

      Hi, everyone. It's me, Claire. I know that a lot of my readers probably don't check wattpad regularly anymore, but I figured that I would explain why I stopped writing on here. I have been struggling with myself the last few years and I feel comfortable enough to share why with y'all... The following pages will give you insight on a lot of specific instances that have completely changed me. Some of it might be triggering because a lot of it will talk about depression and suicide. Please do not read if either of those topics usually affect you.

      It's kind of funny how you kind of expect something to happen eventually but at the same time there is a small part of you that says "that could never happen" or "he wouldn't do that". Never listen to that feeling, because if there are enough red flags, chances are that little voice giving him the benefit of the doubt is wrong. Very. Very. Very. Wrong. I remember this day pretty vividly. I was only 16, finishing up my junior year of high school. Now, let me tell you, this year had been a complete whirlwind. It was a big time for me in my personal swimming career and I was rapidly improving my game of lacrosse after going to a camp the previous summer. A lot of other things about this year are a blur, but there are situations that are directly related to one specific person that unfortunately make those memories stand out.

      Looking back, I realize that I am partially to blame. I did not have enough respect for myself to remove myself from the problem. High school relationships are certainly not always serious, but this relationship was seriously toxic. In September of 2013, I got into a relationship that would be provoking almost two years of endless nights of crying myself to sleep, suicidal thoughts, self harm, and constant worry and blame. I literally had it all together for someone my age. I was by no means a genius, but I worked hard as an honor student and made good grades while being on two varsity sports teams. I was kind to everyone and loved to make friends. I was not the prettiest, smartest, or funniest girl, but I was the girl that was just kind of average but everyone knew me just for being kind. A small sliver of my life was this toxic relationship.

      When we first started dating, the guy (whose name in this will be Nick so that I don't use his real name), shared with me that he was suicidal. I know now that I should have went to someone immediately, and to my defense, I didn't wait too long to go to someone before I did. After we had been dating for three weeks, Nick told me that his life was on my shoulders. I started crying. I was scared, I felt like I was walking on glass. Why would someone put that pressure on someone else? It's not right. A few hours later, he texted me saying that he was going to take his life and that he was tired of earth. He then sent me a snapchat of a gun and a rope tied into a noose that read "Which way should I do it?" After three hours of trying to call him and texting him numerous times trying to talk him out of this action, I broke down crying to my mom. I thank God for her, because this was only the first time of many that she would be my strength when I was struggling. I shouldn't have waited three hours to tell her, but honestly I did not know what to do at the time. It's not exactly a situation that people get put in every day. So, being the amazing mother she is, she drives me over to his house. Luckily, it is only 7 or so minutes away from mine. My eyes are red and swollen, it's around 8 in the evening. I knock on the door, my hands shaking. GUESS WHO ANSWERS THE DOOR? Nick. He looks dumbfounded and blatantly shocked to see me standing on his front porch. His eyes are wide. "Nick, who's that at the door?" I hear. "Oh! Hi, Claire. Is everything okay..? Come inside..." Great. I thought to myself. Now his mom thinks I am psychotic, perfect :-). So yes, as you can see, this was a false alarm and he was really just taking a practice SAT test instead. I sometimes still wonder when he was going to plan on telling me he wasn't dead.

      About a month after that incident, I was in health class with my friend Trevor. Nick had asked me to take his phone with me to health class after lunch so that I could charge it for him. Nick was on the baseball team with Trevor's older brother Garrett. So, Trevor, being the goof he is thought it would be funny to text his brother something on Nick's phone. I told him it was okay just don't text anyone else or do anything dumb that would get him in trouble. A couple of minutes later, Trevor quite literally begins reading one of Nick's conversations with a girl named "Cassie". Trevor, thinking it is his recent ex-girlfriend Cassie who happens to be my best friend, soon realizes it is not the same Cassie. He leans over to me and says "Claire, you need to see this." I read messages that are comparing me to this girl who lives about 9 hours away from us that he met at camp the previous summer. He was telling her that she was prettier and skinnier than me and that I needed to lose weight. He said that if she came to visit that he would cheat on me with her. Then, he asked her for nude photos and shockingly enough she sent them. How scummy for any guy to do that? How gross for a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD boy to do that? I gave him his phone after health class, and didn't say a word. For the next three classes I had that day, I just felt sick to my stomach and couldn't think of anything else. After school when he got home, I called him and tried to break up with him. At the time, this was the strongest feeling I had ever felt for a guy before. So of course, I didn't want to but I knew it would be ridiculous to keep dating someone that would be willing to treat me that way. Low and behold, during that phone call, he threatened to kill himself if I broke up with him. I foolishly gave him the opportunity to explain himself and convince me to keep dating him. However, the hurtful things that I read in that conversation stuck with me. About a week later, I received screenshots from one of my best guy friends where Nick was almost exactly having the same conversation with a different girl. However, this girl was someone who actually went to school with us. Now, I was comparing my body and beauty to not only a girl who lived 9 hours away, but to someone who I saw every day at school also. The night I received those screenshots, I remember specifically trying to update the newest chapter of "Finding Your Way" upstairs in my room. I was sitting at my desk and I was so frustrated with myself that I actually broke a glass on my floor and then took a piece of the broken class and began to cut on my stomach. Like I said earlier, this was when I was really beginning to drop time in swimming. So I did not want it to be visible when in my bathing suit. This didn't last for long because eventually I had a doctor's appointment where my mom was present and the doctor pulled my shirt up to check my breathing. Boom. Busted.