No Phoenix for Roslin

Chapter 1

[time: current]

She hadn't felt her toes since noon, and now bitter cold crept up her calves too. Laura Roslin shivered under the heavy layers of blankets Billy had managed to get for her. The throbbing of her breast almost distracted her from the unrelenting icy numbness taking over her body. When pain shot under her scalp, she closed her eyes, trying to stifle the grunt. There was no denying it any more: the cancer had reached her brain.

"Madame President?"

Disregarding her explicit wishes, Billy perched on the chair next to her makeshift bed, fidgeting and eyeing her apprehensively. Closing her eyes hadn't been taken as a good sign.

You're not making this any easier for me, Billy.

Then again, if he hadn't checked in on her, she'd still be sprawled out in front of her closet. The room had spun out of control when she dressed herself. She should remember hitting the deck, but she didn't. She couldn't recall much of how she'd gotten back into her bed either but for a few awkward moments that had passed between her aide and herself; being carried over his shoulder to her bed was one of them.

She wished he'd had the nerve to dress her, but she was grateful for the extra blankets, even if they didn't do much to stop the iciness that emanated from inside herself.

"Madam President!" Billy's voice was more insistent now.

"Billy." She'd meant it to sound reassuring, but all she heard was a dry-mouthed croak. A chair scraped the deck and the air shifted as the boy scurried closer.

"Can I get you anything, Madame President? Chamalla, perhaps?"

"Water."

The chamalla had lost the fight against the cancer. It had helped her get to this point, enabling her to cover up what had been happening to her, but its effects had dwindled rapidly this past week. The game was over.

Laura willed herself to open her eyes and found Billy hovering over her, dread in his eyes.
"It's okay, Billy," she whispered wearily. Her tongue felt cottoned and seemed to be too large for her mouth.

Billy shook his head, unwilling to be soothed by the obvious white lie. "Why won't you let me get Doctor Cottle?"

"Little he can do." Little other than dosing her to the point of oblivion, which, right now, seemed a blissful scheme... except that there was still one thing she needed to do before handing the presidency to Baltar.

The boy carefully lifted her head to help her drink. The cool wetness trickled over her tongue, slowly dissolving the parchedness.

"You knew this would happen eventually," she reminded him softly.

He radiated helplessness. She would have moved her hand over his, but the frostiness had settled in her fingers. It would probably worry him all the more. She knew it scared her.

She had to make him go. She couldn't look out for him now, and his agitation threatened to destroy the strained grip she had on her equilibrium. She was coming apart rapidly and she desperately needed to be alone for that. Her private agony, her terror of dying, wasn't something she wanted to share, nor was the raw pain that she couldn't suppress any longer.

"Why don't you go and cancel today's appointments?"

"Madame President?"

"Reschedule Commander Adama for tomorrow. I do need to see him." It was time to implement her plan. She sighed. Bill wouldn't like it.

It took a moment before she noticed the boy hadn't moved. "Please go, Billy. I'll be okay after I've rested a while."

"You will be okay?" he repeated doubtfully.

"Well ...," she conceded. She smiled thinly at him, straining to keep her features composed. He was a good boy. Naive at times perhaps, but he was still young enough for that to be an endearing quality. She was certain he'd grow out of it in time. "I need to sleep this one off, like the others. Reschedule, Billy. Take the day off. Come back tomorrow."

Dejection crept over his face but, despite his obvious misgivings, he rose to leave.

"And Billy..."

He bent over her to catch her words. "Yes?"

"Thank you."

He inclined his head and for a moment she thought he would pat her arm, but then he smiled wanly, turned and closed the curtain behind him.

When she heard his footsteps disappear in the distance, she exhaled noisily.

Pain racked the parts of her body she could still feel. She clutched her breast, whimpering. She was glad that she no longer had to pretend that this was not the worst thing that had ever happened to her, or that it wasn't harder than she'd thought it would be when she'd declined Sharon's offer.

Not that it hadn't tempted her. It certainly had.

A new body.

A stronger, younger and above all, healthy body.

Gods.

Yes, it had enticed her.

But living in a cylon body was no option. Switching sides in the war fought over the extermination of mankind was not an option. Deserting her people and everything she believed in, just to live... she couldn't do it then; she wouldn't do it now. Even though now her upper body racked with red-hot spasms of pain, she couldn't help to linger over her past choices.

"Lords of Kobol..." She tried to pray but she couldn't find any words.

When the blackness finally enveloped her, she welcomed it.