Sometimes things are hard [personal Journal]

Same Old Mistakes

Well my life has pretty much gone to hell. But I guess that's my fault. Let's start from the beginning:

It's starts off with my crush, I really liked him and he kinda liked me. I thought things were going well, and we went on a date. The date was nice and I enjoyed myself, he didn't really. We back to his place and hung out for a bit.

He decided he didn't want to date me anymore, so we just stopped. I felt kinda used honestly, I didn't no what to do. I tried not to let it get to me, I made sure it didn't.

A little while later we decided to go to the movies, and see Finding Dory (I don't care how I am, I fucking loved that movie!)
We liked it, and it was nice seeing him again. We talked a lot over time a bit. And I kinda grew to like him. But there was something that kinda pissed me off.

While we were "talking" we decided to go ahead and be in a relationship, but with a no-strings-attached kinda thing. I don't know I guess it was a bad idea. But at the time we were both ok with this, and we made plans, but then....HE decided to stop everything. I don't know why, but this pissed me off so much. But I guess I should've seen this coming, after all nothing seems to go as plan.

After awhile I started to hate him, but then I realized something, I could never really hate him. There's something about him, I just don't know. I thought about him, even before this. I began to think that he was a nice guy, and I guess I could have him as a friend even I wanted to be something more. Around this time my self esteem took a rather dark turn. I began to hate myself again, and I started to wonder why I had friends, family, and people even liked me. I asked myself why am I even happy, and why do I even deserve to be happy. So much pressure and stress and with-held anger inside me, I'm surprised I never snapped.

Then this happened: I decided it would be fun to go to the movies with my friends. And just as friends. Meaning nothing special or whatever. It was me, him, and another friend. We went to see Ghost Busters, and we all loved how funny it was and some scary parts. But afterwards.....it didn't go so well.

I had thought and planned that my grandma would pick us up and drop him off at his house, but my grandma didn't come. Instead my cousin came to pick us up in her small, smelly ass car with her boyfriend and his fucking brother! The car was too small for all of us to fit, and I didn't know what to do. I'm not good at making quick pasted decisions. I panicked and freaked out. I asked him if he had a way to get back home, and he said yes so I left. I got in the car and we drove off.

Little did I know that he had to call a cab, and would stand outside in the rain for a bout an hour. I thought it would be been possible for his mom to pick him up, but forget their car wasn't working right.

After I got home, I posted a status saying I had a good time at the movies. But then my so called friends so and talk shit saying I fucking ditched him because was angry at him. And to be fully honest, no I wasn't angry. I had no real reason to be angry with him, not After just having a good time with him. But what really pissed me off, was the fact I had no way of voicing how I felt about the situation, and I knew even if I did no one would be live me.

So now my crush hates, my "friends" hate me, and now I have no fucking chance of ever explain because everyone me.

It's at times like these that truly wonder why I'm even a live, and I deserve to be happy.