Changes

-----1

It was my first time here at California. All I see was fresh faces that I never encounter before.Brand new start I guess. I met people and became friends.I met someone on my first day of class.I admire his personality but I didn't had the

chance to talk to him.I was really having a hard time;I am very shy.I never knew his name.I was surprised we had a same class but only one.It seemed too hard for me to know a person whom I'm with in just one class and I only see during breaks.I never talked to him.I dont have the guts to do it as well.One day I knew his name,I got happy because I can finally call someone I admire on his own name.It would be really awkward If I taked to him and I dont even know his name.Days pass by and goes on.We got friends on a Networking site.I got that time to talk to him. All I thought was he's just a silent simple guy.I recently looked at my close friends or friends' profiles.I saw his profile.I saw a picture.On that current time,I asked myself: "What am I supposed to feel?". I felt very down. Then I started to ignore things.The next day,my ex-schoolmate chat me. We talked a lot and when I was still at my original country he was courting me already. I didn't said yes because it was complicated.Then it was 25th of September when I said yes and I became his girlfriend.Fresh few days we were still okay,but after it I never thought we would come to an end. Then we broke up a few days ago. I didn't know why he changed,he makes a lot of reasons so I broked up. If it was about his parents then why cant he defend me? Is it that hard? Well I guess maybe it's not true love. He wanted me as his girlfriend because of my fame back there on his country where he is and he'll get famous like me. Dummy. Boys like him are too messy. I started to hate him. He got mad for just a reason. I shared to him about the guy I met on this current school and county I'm in. I started to feel hatred for all the boys. But a few days I stopped the hatred.It doesn't help. With the help of my friends,I finally survived pure sadness. I thought it sadness would finally let me go and set me free but problems keep on coming back.

-----2

Today,I was feeling great the rest of the morning,but I saw him with his ex-girlfriend I don't know if they got back or they never broke up. It was the last period of my morning class when i saw them together. I felt disappointed so I rushed out in front of them as fast as I could trying not to see them. It kills me. I wasn't mad but it's killing my insides.The two talked and I pretend I'm okay. I went on my friend's house for lunch. I don't feel like smiling for the whole time and pretend I'm damn happy. That would be very fake. So I just remained silent the rest of the day. I just smiled a bit. I came into my first period on my afternoon classes. Im with my bestfriend and laughing as if everything is just fine. Then time passed by and Im done of all my classes. I went to my locker and I cant stop myself to cry. I cried a bit and wiped my tears and pretend im just fine. I never felt fine and I would never be because Its not easy. I saw him and tried to stay a little longer so that I wont face him. I went home exhausted and sad. I felt like giving up. I went on the shower and spent my time thinking. I have no idea what should I act tomorrow and What should I do. I dont wanna see him. Hope I'd never met him.

---3

I can't smile. Smiling would be so fake. During that break he went to his locker,tried to stay a little bit longer. I ignored him and went away as fast as I could. I didn't mind him. I can see him on the edge of my eye taking a glance. I don't wanna do this anymore. I can't keep this inside me while he's wondering what I might want to say. I've always wanted to say it on his face. Say it loudly so that he knows what I've burden on my heart. I can't pretend like I only feel him as my friend and its not that easy. Everyday I soak myself on deep strength to do it. I always want to confess and say it but words keep on blocking my tongue. Words left untold in the tip of lips. I can't. I simply can't. I always think if I did it would he listen to me? Would he understand me? Or does he feel the same. Worst thoughts. I don't know what I'm entering or what am I doing. "How can I let this go?" I said to my friend while chatting her. " Let the feeling go or him?" She said. "I can't promise you it would be the surest way but If you haven't tried it,you should" she added. "Why should I?" I said. "If it works bang it is. You might not know,he got something to tell you too. People are people. I swear you should" She answered. I'm bothered. This was the reason I'm telling him I'm bothered about. Should I do it? Maybe.

--4

I told him everything I felt but yes he knew about it;but it didn't change anything. Leaving someone behind is so painful. He knew ; We talked a lot but I never thought that happiness would be temporary. He confessed and told me the truth. "I'm sorry I really liked someone else,I just tried to keep your hopes up. I'm very sorry." He said. Tears runned down on my cheeks,I feel numb,and I'm speechless. I can't control myself all I said on him was: "What?! That's bullshit. You should've told me from the start!". I turned off my phone. He knows that It would be hard for me to forgive him. A week past that I didn't talk to him,looked at him instead I just avoid him. He's still the same,looks at me but with sadness on his eyes. But I tried to be emotionless. My bestfriends are wondering that I changed and I told them about it so that they would stop teasing me. Until that one day,he started talking to me but I didn't answer and I just leaved. I feel awful. I don't wanna be like this. He apologized but I wanted to be cold-hearted. To chill and protect my heart. But he keeps on trying so that I would notice him. "Not ready to forgive yet? Our class on 1st sem has ended already." my bestfriend asked. "I guess I can". I replied.Even though i don't want to,I should. Burying hatred is bad.