Anderperry - Somewhere only we know.

Lullaby.

A panicking feeling rose in my stomach as my eyes lay on the shiny revolver. A shimmer of light fell upon it from the outside of the cave, probably reflected off a stalactite, and it showed the light outline of Neil's handprint. I studied it carefully, following every tiny line of his fingerprint and the shape of his hand, slowly placing my own into the glove-like sketch left printed on the cold metal. I picked it up and looked at it, seeing Neil's handprint rise to be a little wider than mine, in the fingers and the palm. I could only imagine that I was holding my best friends hand, which was just as icy cold as the gun that made him that way, currently.

My face crumpled. I'd just ruined the last of his living imprints on the world. I took my finger up off the frigid silver, seeing my own fingerprint lying in the very bowl of his. I took the last thing he left that was truly personal and made it about me. I didn't want to leave it like this, as silly as it sounds... He had to wake up. I didn't want to have gotten rid of his handprint, since it felt like I was getting rid of him, like his he was slowly ceasing to exist, all the evidence that he was ever alive slipping through my fingers. I dropped the revolver and turned back to Neil, taking ahold of his shoulders and shaking probably way too viciously, shouting at the top of my lungs.
"You have to wake up! You have to live! You were the happiest you'd ever been a few hours ago, you can't just keep disappearing! Stop disappearing!"
All my shaking did was make his eyes reopen, and I thought for a split, insane second that I'd managed to bring him back, and honestly, I was terrified because his eyes looked so horridly different. They were already sunken as if he hadn't slept for weeks, and the whites of his eyes were a biting crimson colour, and his beautiful, chocolate colour iris' had turned glassy and unaware of anything that was going on around him. He was unaware that he was dead. He was unaware that he ever lived. He was unaware that I was here, and that I was traumatising myself by refusing to leave his side.

I crashed down on the floor next to him, curling my head over his. My shaking fingers fumbled around on his face and gently closed his eyes again, my other hand gently touching his hair. My juddery voice rang out in a quiet coo, barely loud enough to make it audible throughout the entire cave.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for waking you up. It's time for you to sleep now, isn't it? Close your eyes, have a nice rest."

After some time, I sat up, my exhausted and drooping eyes laying on the gun once more. My fingers scooped it up first, then the little cardboard box which rattled with ammunition. I lazily bundled the bullets into it, hearing it click into action. I was so painfully tired and grief-stricken, and I felt sick to the core from the putrid aroma of torn flesh and seeing poor Neil in such a state. My brain and body felt so battered, I didn't feel like I could function ever again. I didn't feel like I could see anyone smile, since they should be grieving too. I didn't feel like I could see a gun ever again, since that's what stopped Neil's heart. I didn't feel like I could see the snow again, since that's the first thing I saw once I knew Neil was dead. I couldn't even go to his funeral, since his father would be there... If I saw him, I don't know how much I could do not to lynch him. It was his fault, he did this, he made his own son do this.

Once the gun was set to blow, I put it down again. I curled back into Neil's limp arms to have just one final conversation with him. I spoke out loud, return to make up what he would reply in my head.

"Please tell me that you're happy again now. This is the most insane thing I've ever let you do, I'd at least like to know if it made things better."

I tried so hard to think of what he would say, but the words wouldn't come. I just kept muttering to him, trying to tire myself out before I took my "nap".

"I never thought I'd see myself planning to join you in your ridiculous antics. Well, apart from the society. Hey, this is where we held all our meetings! This is our place. You were the only one who really knew where it was, but I did too. I might not have said it, but I knew where it was too. I thought of it as our place, since only we knew about it originally."

My arm reached back and my fingers grappled up the revolver, and I bought it up to my head slowly. I didn't press it against my skull quite yet though, I just left it hovering next to my head.

"I guess it's time for me to go to sleep too. Goodnight, Neil."

I buried myself right into his arms, keeping both of us in the positions we would normally sleep in, but together. I had my knees tucked up and my back curled over, making myself as small as possible. I kept us how we would of slept if we could've slept together. I let us be how we wanted to be, but couldn't. Only then did I stick the barrel against my head, feeling the cold metal dig into my skin just above my ear, being careful to angle it towards the floor because I didn't want the bullet to tear through my skin and Neil's, I wouldn't want to defile him further.

I took a few more breaths of the cold, crisp winter morning air, hearing the bells chime five A.M. I felt the air fill my lungs, replacing the hot air that had been boiled my the bitterness in my blood. I much preferred the cold air it made me feel clean.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
...
...
...
Bang.
...
...
...
No more breathing.