It’s been a month and I’m still hurt. One month and I still wonder whether or not I should be living anymore. I can’t explain the feelings I’ve been feeling, but I do know one thing.
He’s still in my head.
Merkley, is still in my head and I want him out. I despise him, HATE HIM, I want him to pay for what he did. I want back what he took, I wish I could still feel innocent, but I will never be the same.
Just like the academic counselor implied, I am a slut. I am dirty. I am not worth to be on a prestige campus. Maybe I can actually take up prostituting, seeing how everyone else thinks I am. I am worth a ten dollar blow job.
No. Make it a one dollar blow job.
Because I do not deserve to live, I do not deserve to be happy.
I am home now and nobody is available to talk too.
The school told my parents that I failed all my classes in a concentrated amount of time therefore I cannot stay there anymore. Neither can I continue to attend.
How can I tell my parents what really happened? That I got raped and was framed? The amount of shame I feel is like no other feeling.
Sleep. Sleep is my best friend now. No one talks to me, but I don’t want to talk to them. Too many questions regarding how I’m feeling and what really happened and I wish I could say… I wish I could tell them what happened, but then they would pity me.
I don’t need pity.
I don’t need sadness.
Family. Home. There is power within these two things, but I feel no power. I feel nothing. And feeling nothing doesn’t help my case. I want to feel love. I want to feel alive, but Merkley took that privilege from me. Now I feel a hole devouring every part of me. All the light that I knew was diminished to not even a flicker.
Living is pointless.
Sleep is for the dead.
Why am I not dead yet?
“Honey…” My mom poked her head through the door way.
“I made you some supper are you hungry?” She was trying. That’s good I guess.
“No.” I whispered.
“Please eat. You haven’t eaten for days…”
It’s true, I haven’t eaten, but that’s because I food wouldn’t fix me. The hunger pangs reminded me that my heart still beats. I’m still alive.
“I’m not hungry.” I tried to say, but I choked on my dry throat so it came out more like sand paper.
“You need to eat.” My dad was in my room now.
“If you don’t you won’t be able to go out and get a job.”
I kept my eyes focused on the wall. I will not talk to him like this.
“EAT.” My dad ordered. “NOW.”
“No.” I replied.
“YOU WILL DO AS I SAY AND THAT IS AN ORDER.” He shouted.
My father grabbed me and dragged me out of my room.
“Honey! STOP!!” My mom was screaming.
“He will do as I say, he needs to ea…” His voice faded as he saw the bruises covering my pale, limp, body.
My mom gasped and tears started streaming down her face.
Because my dad dragged me across the floor all the wounds that were starting to heal tore open and I was bleeding on the kitchen floor.
“What.. Wha…” My dad was stuttering.
I just laid on the floor. I felt nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing.
“Sam. What happened.” My dad’s voice dropped to such a serious note the atmosphere dropped ten degrees.
“Nothing.” I answered plainly.
“You will give me a clear answer or so help me God-“
“Or you will what? Kill me? Please, that would be doing me a favor.” I answered coldly.
My soul felt so broken that I felt no happiness.
I felt numb.
“Don’t say that.” My mom bawled. She dropped to her knees and just began to weep.
I stood up and slipped on my blood so I grasped the table to hold me up.
“I will be returning to my room.” I said out of breath.
Just standing was a chore.
I stumbled to my room as my parents just sat in shock. My mother wailing. My dad tearing up.
I first stopped at the bathroom and turned the water on.
The water felt so good and watching the blood go down the drain brought some kind of peace to me.
After drying myself off and putting some bandages on my re-opened wounds I returned to my bed which began to smell of body sweat.
I should change my sheets.
The sun was beginning to set. Finally, this day is over. Just that little episode with my family was bad enough.
At least now I feel power. And my family does care.
But I still feel nothing. And feeling this nothing feels great.
I closed my eyes and I instantly return to the night Merkley made me bleed.
I now know I don’t deserve any kind of love. But I love him.
Yes, I love him.
I want him.
Need him.
And I am nothing without him.
I will find you, but this time I will make you bleed.
And I will make you need me.
YOU ARE READING
Young, Gay, Love
Teen Fiction'Young, Gay, Love' is a book about a teenage gay named Sam trying to understand how the world works. Growing up as a sheltered home-schooler he learns what the term gay is and that thinking boys are attractive has a lot more strings attached than he...
