The Gang Leader's Princess

|four|

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live."

♛

I looked around , every pair of eyes in the room were on me. They were watching me struggle... struggle to breathe. No one moved an inch. They just stared, without a care in the world that I was dying.

It was like someone doused my lungs in gasoline , and dropped a match on them. I physically couldn't breathe. I felt like I was drowning, and no matter how hard I tried , I couldn't take a single breath.

My body was frantically searching for a way to open my airways. Sweat soaked my body , and tears pooled into my eyes. My vision began to narrow into a tunnel of darkness. I clawed at the ground , using my last bit of strength.

I looked up , knowing this was it. I was going to die, and no one was going to help me. Just as I gave into my certain death , I heard a voice.

My mom's.

The words I heard , sent chills to my core.

"You're the reason that I'm dead."

"It should've been you."

She was right. The truth of those words have been suffocating me since the day she died. It was all because of me.

* * *

I woke up screaming , soaked in my own sweat. Tears began pouring down my face as I thought back to the night my mom died. She wasn't the only one who died that night, a part of me died from losing her. A part that I'm not sure I'll ever get back.

I looked around , almost forgetting where I was at. I threw the blankets off myself and pushed my hair back, out of my sweat coated forehead.

I thought back to yesterday , I don't remember falling asleep. After the news from my father and Josh , I had spent the rest of the day unpacking and thinking.

Do I really believe that Josh is my brother ?

I don't know if I can trust a man that left my mom and I. However, part of me, deep down, knows the truth. The real question is , can I accept it? Can I accept that my loving mother, could keep something like that from me? It makes me question everything she ever told me.

As much as I don't want to, I have to talk to my father. I need to know the truth, even if it means knowing my mom wasn't who I thought she was.

I forced myself to crawl out of bed , and headed to the bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I stared at myself in the mirror.

All I could see was a broken, scared, little girl. A girl who's life is falling apart at the very minute. There were dark, prominent, bags under my eyes from my lack of sleep. Last night was the first time I had gotten a full nights worth of sleep in weeks. I looked at my hair, it looked like I hadn't combed it in years. My eyes were puffy and red , from all the crying.

I took a small step back , and turned sideways. My stomach was noticeably smaller. I haven't eaten a full meal in weeks. I wasn't purposely starving myself, I've just been too busy grieving to even bother to eat.

After making a mental list of every possible thing that was wrong with me , I let out a long sigh.

Time to shower.

I stripped myself of my clothes , and turned the water as hot as it could go. Letting the searing hot water pour down my back. I stayed in the shower until my skin was bright red from the heat and pruny from the water.

After drying myself off , I slipped into my clothes . I chose a simple red t-shirt , paired with black denim shorts and my slip on vans.

I ran my fingers through my damp hair as I made my way downstairs. The house was dead silent , my steps were the only sound that could be heard.

As I reached the bottom, I looked around in effort to find Josh or my father. When I came across the living room , I found my father sitting on the couch texting someone on his phone. His face was stone hard , void of all emotions.

I stood there awkwardly waiting for him to notice me, when he finally looked up he gave me a small smile.

He patted the spot next to him , "Sit Serena, we have much to talk about."

As much as I was dreading this, I knew I had to. So, I took a deep breath and made my way to the spot he patted. After sitting down, I stayed silent, waiting for him to say anything. Anything to explain this situation.

"Do you know why I left all those years ago?" He asked , finally breaking the silence.

I thought back for a moment, "You had no reason , besides your own selfish needs," I retorted.

He looked at me as those words came out of my mouth, for a moment I thought I saw sadness deep in his eyes. But just as quickly as I saw it , it disappeared.

"Is that really what you think of me?" He pried , raising his eyebrow up out of curiosity.

"I don't think much of you at all Mark," I drawled
"You never once stopped to think about anyone other than you. Do you know how many birthdays you missed ? Holidays?" Tears began to form in my eyes, "You weren't there when I learned how to ride my bike without training wheels , when my first childhood pet died, or my first heartbreak. You weren't there for any of it. Did you ever think of that?" The tears were coming down my face at this point.

I was about to get up , but stopped when I heard him say , "Every damn day. Leaving you and your mother was the hardest thing I've ever done. And it still haunts me to this day. You have -"

I cut him off , "Why did you do it?" I asked , looking him dead in the eye.

He hesitated for a moment , as if he didn't know how to say it. I watched him open his mouth a few times, but then change his mind.

Finally he revealed the answer I have been asking myself for eleven years ... and it changed my perspective on everything.

♛