I was sexually abused as a child...I think
When I was 17, while trying to figure out why I was so scared to have sex for the first time with my then-boyfriend, I suddenly remembered that I was taken advantage of sexually as a child by someone I will call R. Recently – almost 12 years after first remembering and about 20 years after the abuse – I’ve started to delve into that experience and really need some guidance.
There are a few aspects to my experience that lead me to feel as if it shouldn’t affect me the way it seems to. First, the abuser was younger than me. I was about 8, and R is 2 years younger than me. Second, to the best of my knowledge it didn’t physically go beyond fondling. I was the only girl on our block so I would play with R and my brother frequently. At some point, R began taking me into the bushes by his house so we could have private playtime. He would tell me that if I didn’t go in the bushes with him he wouldn’t be my friend. Being a young child, I was desperate for his friendship. My memory is limited, but it slowly progressed from him making me kiss him, to making me show him parts of my body and him showing me parts of his, to R touching me and making me touch him. I dreaded our play time in the bushes – R would always remind me that he wouldn’t be my friend if I didn’t do it. My last memory is of playing chase with R and my brother. When my brother wasn’t there, R pulled me onto a picnic table and pinned my arms down and kneeled over me smiling. I don’t remember what he said, but I remember being very scared. I look back at that and wonder if it would’ve been the start of more physical/violent abuse. When I left his house that day, I blurted out what had been going on to my mother before I could even cross the street as I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell her if I did it any other way. I felt relief immediately – I felt that it was over. My parents put me in therapy, which I remember nothing about. I think the abuse went on for several months, but I don’t know exactly how long.
I have no ill feelings toward R. He was a child. He clearly knew that he shouldn’t be doing what he was doing due to his attempts to hide it, but something horrible must have been going on in his home for him to do what he did to me.
I’m embarrassed that I let this happen so that R would be my friend, but I know I shouldn’t. I don’t understand how something that seems like such a minor experience in the grand scheme of sexual abuse could have affected me enough to influence the way I interact romantically with men. But I feel panic and fear every time I think about this. A therapist friend said that sexual abuse, no matter how severe, has a significant effect on children. With the exception of my husband, I have always dated broken, emotionally fragile men. I find emotional vulnerability in men to be a turn-on, and I often fantasize about a man comforting me in a time of need. I am jealous of people who can openly cry and display vulnerability, as I cannot, and I forget that those people are HURTING and only see that they are getting attention that I desperately want. This has caused me to have straying thoughts in every relationship I’ve ever been in and has caused me a lot of pain. I wonder, is this the result of being emotionally manipulated into doing sexual things that I didn’t want to do? I should also mention that as a kid my father would get very mad, and would sometimes hit us, when we would cry. So, we learned not to cry. My mother is very emotional, and always tries to hide her emotions. Also, when I first remembered what happened when I was 17, I told my parents that I didn't want R spending the night at our house despite him being one of my brother’s friends. They essentially told me that I was being silly and continued to allow him to spend the night on occasion. I didn’t fight back as I wasn’t convinced that what happened was actually a big deal, and their reaction led me to believe that it shouldn’t be.
Also to note, there are other instances of sexual abuse in my past. When I was about 14, I went to the movies with a bunch of friends, including an ex-boyfriend. My ex was all over me, trying to undo my pants the entire time. At one point I left the theater to get away from him, and he followed. I stupidly thought that if I kissed him he would leave it be, but instead he threw me up against the wall and starting trying to rip my clothes off. I screamed, he stopped, and we went back to the movie theater. After the movie, he was all over me again and my friends just stared at me and shrugged as I tried to make him stop. When I was 17, another guy locked me in a bedroom because I wouldn't have sex with him.
Something else important: at 20 – 3 years after first remembering for the first time – I started dating someone I will call P. 1 month into our relationship I started experiencing tremendous pain during sex that continued for the duration of our 1.5 year relationship. Nothing was wrong with me physically, and eventually my obgyn asked if I’d ever been sexually abused and suggested that this could be an emotional response to something. After giving it some thought, I realized that both P and R were blue-eyed blondes – I had never dated a blue-eyed blonde before P.
Please, if any of you have any insight, it will be much appreciated. I feel like I need validation that the experience is one that could cause damage in order to allow myself to accept this and heal. I understand that most of you are not therapists and so only have your experience/opinions to offer, and those are very welcome.
