One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 40 - Finn

Regret. It leaves me with a sickening feeling. One that I will never get used to.

I hate this fucking word and how it makes me feel.

I regret so much.

Wasting time. Being such a dickhead, thinking that she would never find out whether I slept with other girls. Not showing some restraint. Not having her by my side.

It is late. I had drifted off to sleep. Our phone call ended. I can't ring and check on her. It is too late.

Without hesitation I jump out of bed and get dressed. Dad has already gone to bed. For a second I wondered if he heard anything of my phone call with Rae. Fuck embarrassment spreads through my body. I fucking hope he didn't. I have never done anything like that before. Been able to be so hard from just knowing that someone I like is touching themselves. Fuck, how Rae sounded, I was so fucking turned on.

Before I know it I am scaling Rae's house to get to her bedroom window. "Rae" I whisper tapping my knuckles on the cold glass. No answer and I can hear no movement inside. I tap a little harder on the glass "Rae! Rae!"

I can hear some mumbling and I can see the light has been put on. Is Rae getting up, I wonder. A crack has appeared where the curtains meet and I can see one eye peering at me. "Rae, open up" I ask. Instead of opening up she closes the gap. I can her shuffling about. "Rae. Please?" I ask.

"Finn, what are you doing here?" She asks whilst she is shuffling about.

"Honestly Rae? I am freezing" I say urgently.

The curtain instantly opens, Rae is in her dressing gown and she is opening her window. "Jesus Finn, it is freezing. Comeon. In you get" she says while motioning inside.

I don't wait for Rae to change her mind I scramble in the window to her begging me to be quiet and shhhh'ing me. "Fuck Finn, quiet! You seriously don't want my mum finding you in here in the middle of the night" she whispers. She shuts the window the second I am in her room and then the curtain. She is playing with her hands and unable to look at me. I know she is feeling conflicted. I can see it in her eyes and in the lip she is biting. Any harder and she would be drawing blood.

I hug her. An out of the blue move, but I have no words. I have come over, woken her up and I have no words. What the fuck Finn?

"I didn't think this through Rae" I admit. "I just needed to see you and know you were ok" I offer as my feeble excuse for being here in her room in the middle of the night. For having her in my arms. She pulls away from me slightly looking at me.

"Finn" she whispers. "It is ok" she reassures me.

"But are you?" I ask.

"I have no idea Finn" she answers honestly.

"I guessed that would be the case. I just needed to know you weren't freaking out about you know. You know I didn't plan on that happening, don't you?" I frantically try to explain, I hadn't realised how panicked I was.

"Finn, calm down, it is ok. You didn't start it. I did" she tries to settle me. "It is ok, alright?" Rae is still holding me. She pulls back a bit, her lips are glistening. Like I needed any other reason to want to kiss them.

"Rae"

"Yes Finn"

"I really want to..."

"What, do this?" she says as she presses her lips against mine. Rae is kissing me, all my doubt, all my confusion, all my fears, all my ramblings have disappeared. It feels amazing. As she pulls away, I feel myself following her mouth, trying to get more. I reluctantly open my eyes.

"Finn, we will be alright, we will always be alright you know that right?" she says.

"No, how would I know that?" I ask.

"Because every time we try and fail we end up back here. In each others arms, lips pressed against each other, sealing a promise. I don't think I will ever not be there for you Finn, and I feel that is how you are with me. What it all means, who knows. But, I know this much. I don't ever want to not have you in my life. Does that make sense?" she asks.

"Yes, it is exactly how I feel Rae, I just need to know that you can forgive me for being such a dick. I shouldn't of been so fucking stupid to make you feel like you weren't the most important thing to me" her eyes say it all, I hurt her, but she knows I am telling the truth. "I am sorry for doing that to you, I was so selfish I really didn't know how to deal with what was going on. I feel into old patterns trying to stop myself from feeling like shit. It didn't work" I try and explain to Rae with sadness.

"Finn it is ok, stop apologising, you didn't owe me anything, and I should never of expected anything" she says. The words rip through me.

"That is the thing Rae, you own my heart, and I owe you more" I explain. She smiles sadly at me.

"Hey Finn, there is one way for us to stop feeling so sad" Rae says smiling at me.

"What would that be Girl?" I ask curious as to what Rae may be suggesting.

"How about we focus on the moments we are together, and not all the things that has led to us having regrets?" she suggests.

"Here and now you think Girl?" I ask moving towards her, hands on her hips. Rae nods at me.

I kiss Rae on the cheek, and say "Well on that note, it is time for me to go home."

"Or, you could stay?" Rae suggests suddenly, sounding like she hoped I wouldn't leave. "Maybe we could stay up talking?"

"Only if you are sure?" I ask, hoping with all that I am that she will tell me that she is sure.

She nods "I am sure Finn, just as long as you understand that despite what we did earlier" she blushes "I really need us to take this slow".

"I promise you Rae, you are calling the shots."

"Alrighty then, let's go to bed" she says smiling.

I take my boots off, but stay clothed, and Rae takes off her dressing gown. She climbs into her bed, and I follow lying next to her, facing her, placing my hand on her hip. I feel like I have just arrived home, it is blissful. She is beautiful and I am hanging on her every word. I love just being with her. Watching her, trying to memorise everything about her as we talked for hours until we both fell asleep.

Tonight, there are no regrets.