Wendy's Drawing Book

March 10, 2012

I'm actually starting to get worried now In her room all I'm seeing is clumps of hair everywhere and Every time I ask her about it we start fighting.
Randomly during the day I get the feeling that I'm being suffocated. Its as if someone's pressing all their weight on my chest and the more I struggle the worse it gets.
A few nights ago the feeling was so bad I started screaming. Mom came running into my room holding a baseball bat  because she thought I was getting attacked.
Maybe it's stress related I don't know.
I mean it only started happening right around the time I got the concussion.
Bebe hasn't been coming to school lately. The last time she attended class her mother walked her in as if she was a pre schooler. I mean it was the whole "It's my child's first day of school" package, she had Bebes bag draped around her shoulder and they were hand in hand. At first I was astonished. I mean Bebe had always made a big fuss every time her mother even went near the school but now she was complying so easily. To make the situation weirder  her mom gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek before leaving.

I have a few moments in class and since Rebecca's absent and I have no one to talk to I guess I'll use this time to reflect on my life.
Before our sophomore year Stan scared the shit out of me when he suddenly started preaching to me about change.
Everyday it was this changes and everything's shit to the point where I still loved him but couldn't stand to be around him. I was astonished to see him laughing and joking around with Kyle weeks later, he had the nerve to get offended when I didnt approach him immediately.
His sudden attitude got me thinking for a while. Yes everything and everyone changes either physically or mentally but is change such a bad thing? My thoughts and actions are beginning to contradict each other. Before it was only Stan and I, now it's Bebe, Jen, Rebecca and I against the world. Whether I liked it or not change was the best thing for me. My yearning for Stan to be by my side soon developed into a obsession, I even began building my life around him and when he made the decision to leave everything spiraled Downhill all because I couldn't accept changes.
It was when he left though, that's what hurt me the most. A huge part of my life just vanished. He didn't even take into consideration how I felt.
At the time my grades were high enough for me to apply to a private school out of Colorado, my parents and Bebe were pushing me to but Stan said not to so I didn't. When I asked him to stay for me he continued walking. It's funny as to how easily I dropped my entire future for him and he wouldn't even spare a passing glance.
If you had asked me a few months ago about him I would've sworn up and down that I loved him but now sitting in this classroom with this book made me realize my only emotion towards him is resentment.
Just thinking about all of this bullshit made me annoyed so I asked to leave the room.