Happiest With You -A TsukkiYama Fanfiction

Chapter 1- Tsukishima Kei.

    Tsukishima Kei. The tall blonde I spend most of my time with. Even if we don't necessarily talk all the time, I'm always around him. I've always wondered if he's annoyed by it. Does he want me around all the time? I know I want to be around him though, I hope he feels the same.

   These thoughts always race through my mind, racing as fast as my heartbeat whenever I'm around the tall blonde. Everything we've been through, no matter how small, makes me feel so happy he's willing to have me by his side still. I feel like I'm rather useless when it comes to actually helping Tsukki, but he's never told me to leave him alone. I must be doing something right if someone like Tsukishima Kei lets me hang around him all the time. I mean, he lets me call him 'Tsukki', and only I'm allowed to without being scolded by the blonde.

   I stared at myself in the mirror of my bathroom. I felt worthless right now, not that this was unusual for me. I hated everything about myself right now. A lot of people used to make fun of me for my freckles, saying they looked like acne, which I don't think anybody wanted, especially at my age. My hair was awful, my body, my face, just everything was awful! I just wanted to cry and scream, but someone would hear me. It'd be the same, old 'words of wisdom' from my mother.

   "You're so handsome, though!"
But I didn't feel that way.
   "Trust me, you'll get over this."
   But I haven't. Did she really even mean that? What if she's saying that because I'm her son? No matter what she said, I never felt any better. I just felt awful nowadays.

    I looked down at the porcelain, white sink which my hands rested against. The sink was slightly wet, since I washed my face a few minutes ago. My hand ran through my muddy green hair, twirling strands as I went. The house was quiet, only able to hear my slightly jagged and choked breathing. I wanted to just cry so badly, my emotions building up. 'You're so stupid, Tadashi!' I thought to myself. I couldn't take the choking and burning sensation in my throat. I felt tears swell up in my already glassy eyes. 'No, don't cry, you worthless piece of garbage. Someone will hear you.' But I couldn't help it. I gasped for a breath as an attempt to 'swallow' that burning in my throat, but ended up coughing. I lost my breath and tears slipped down my freckled face. I could hear my breath loudly now, a hoarse wheezing sound being made. Tears were escaping my eyes at a quicker pace. 'I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breath!' was the only thought on my mind anymore, repeating those three words over and over. I gripped the porcelain tightly with both hands, trying to concentrate on breathing. My eyes were fixed on the faucet, and my hands took over, turning on the cold water. I cupped the water in my hands, and splashed it on my face, a weak attempt to get myself to shut up. I couldn't calm down, and I felt dizzy. I needed to think of something, anything, to calm me down. I tried to concentrate on one thing that made me happy.

   Tsukishima. Tsukishima Kei. His beautiful blonde hair, his gorgeous golden brown eyes. I always stared at them, not caring if he noticed. It must be pretty obvious, having to look up at him to stare. He was absolutely gorgeous in my eyes. His body was so pretty too. I like his hands, they're big and nice. I want to hold them. I wish I was like Tsukki. He's really smart and witty. I could listen to his beautiful voice all day. I wished he talked more. He's perfect. I can't wait to see him, and walk next to him. He makes me happy.

   I broke away from my thoughts as I felt air fill my lungs fully again. The burning feeling was gone. I could hear heavy breathing from myself. I could breath again. I took a voluntary deep breath, the dizziness fading slowly. My cheeks were wet, but my crying had subsided. I used my shirt to wipe my eyes and face. I breathed in through my nose, and out through my mouth. My breath was a bit shaky, but nothing compared to the burning and choking feeling. I hated how this was usual for me, but my mind goes blank when this happens, so I had no real way to prevent this scenario. The one thing I always think of first to calm me down was Tsukishima Kei. I didn't know what I really thought about him when I was like this, all I could remember was thinking about his name.

    I looked back at the mirror above the sink. My eyes were red and puffy from all that crying. Surprisingly, the house stayed quiet after my 'episode,' and I'm glad it did. I didn't really fell like talking to any one right now, especially about just now. I felt absolutely pathetic. 'You worthless piece of nothing, Tadashi! You don't do anything right, and you're just a waste of everyone's ti-' I shook these thoughts away. I can't be thinking like this anymore, because it won't change anything.

I took a deep breath, and turned the warm water on, and washing my face gently. I turned off the water and dried my face with a towel. I didn't look at myself in the mirror, I didn't to see how pathetic I looked. Turning off the light and opening the door, I headed to my room. I opened my door and didn't bother closing it. Instead I just collapsed onto my bed, hugging a pillow close to me. I closed my eyes, the last thought in my head was about Tsukishima Kei.