I have a heart inside my body. I know that much is true. I know it pumps blood to my body, and if I clench my fist hard enough, I can feel my pulse inside my skin. Sometimes I wonder which way the blood travels in my body. Delaying any blood flow to the brain and for a second I am deprived of any oxygen and I collapse to the floor with my mouth wide open and drool spews out from the corner of my lip. Sometimes I feel like I carry the weight of the entire worlds burden on my shoulders, and I honestly don't have the strength to muster another step without my knees buckling and my legs shattering underneath me. I often fight with the idea that my current relationship with my father died out years ago, like that of a candle burning down to the wick and the Oder that once filled the room with a comforting and relaxing scent, now chokes my neck, like a tight grip around my neck and leaving bruises so red that it is easily noticeable by anyone.
I don't like this idea of this person that I have become, turning me into something that I don't like seeing in the mirror. The face something unrecognizable. Once in my youth I lived a happy life, filled with bliss and stupid in love. Now shattered my dreams, my mind is in trouble, surrounded by emptiness. I feel like my breath is short, and I have this fire inside of me urging to get out and burn everything down. I sometimes admire that I haven't revealed the truth, of the pictures of my past, currently flowing over to the ever present. I feel like my chest is broken, as if God himself punched it and left a gaping hole where the entirety of the world slipped through and fell into a infinite black hole. I want to cover my face and run away with my bones, and be taking in, in a home with smoking filling the chimney. I place my hand on hers and our fingers interlock and we press hard. Our two feet stand strong against the ground, each digging into each other, eyes wide, forever looking up for that answer. Nothing left but our principals, and darkness all around and no where to go. I hear music strumming, that intoxicating melody, sounds distant in the hills, the white smoke filling the air and the crisp air filling our lungs, biting with each breath. Your features resemble your mother, as you find another place to runaway and grow. The constant void to swim deep at sea, and save the children to stop them from holding you to stop them from screaming.
But you, you will always find another place to go, to have them forget but they won't forget that easily. The pounding of the drums like fists on a wall, the permeating scratching, like sharp claws on a chalkboard. Bloody knuckles ash with white and the bad memories of tomorrow, and what that has in tow. Eyes sharp with bleak visions, trying to escape the lost faith to ever see again. Underneath my heart there's a human, despite everything, mediocre companionship huddled in a small tight knit shell. I hide behind the uncertainty of showing the world who I really am. To lose it all in a single act of grace.
I hunt for the single purpose of not being alone, chewing in the back of my mind the cigarette smoke filling my mouth as I place my lips on yours and blow into your mouth. Kissing strangers to beg with my first rolled up in a ball, so I can feel something, still she steals me and hides me in the darkest part of her heart. The fantasy of us kissing in the rain underneath a balcony with the street lamps shining ever so dimly in the night while birds are crowing in the far distance. The fond memory of her inhaling the sweet white smoke with a skin like lightening, with eyes gazing across the landscape. Heavy thoughts of sleep curled up between pillows and sheets in a cramped apartment overlooking the city. Restlessly thinking about children, the missing youth of dreaming about adventures. Just thoughts of a small boy with fears and dreams clenched up in hand and running away. Hidden away in the dark corners of her heart.
