Who Am I?

This Is Probably Kinda Triggering- (EDITED)

Hey guys.

I guess this book is gonna be a blog type thing..? I don't know. I'm not that interesting so sorry if this is boring or whatever, but this isn't for you its for me.

I guess I'll say more about myself for whoever cares.

My family consists of my mum (Faith), dad (David), three older brothers (Malekai, Aubrey and his twin Fahlon), one older step brother (Aubrey's fiancé Damian, yes he's gay), one older sister (Carmen), and a younger brother (Kelhon). My father died when I was eight from an overdose on heroine and Fahlon died when him and Aubrey were eighteen.

Don't pity me, please, I absolutely hated my father; as well as I do the rest of my family; except for two of my older brothers (the twins Aubrey and Fahlon).

They were the only ones who weren't abusive towards me. They were identical twins, but something happened and our aunt (Sandra) took them away to New York when I was nine. I don't remember every detail.

On August 17th two years ago, I was suddenly contacted by one of the twins, Aubrey. We got to know each other and now he's the closest person to me. He told me what all happened.

Our brother, his twin, died when I was fifteen in a car crash. That would make Aubrey twenty-three now. His birthday is on Christmas, and I used to think that was amazing.

Double the presents!

Anyways, Aubrey and I were the only ones who were abused until he and Fahlon moved. Then it was just me. I didn't know why.

I was so young. I was confused and hurt. Did I do something wrong?

Society teaches children that the best thing you can have, is a family. That they will be the shoulder you can lean on, the ones who will accept you no matter what.

But that's not really true, now is it?

Its hurts.. It hurts so much to know that you aren't loved by the ones who are supposed to love you the most.

I was ok with the school beatings, I was ok with being called a 'useless fag' during class. I was ok with the teachers pretending not to see me getting tortured by the other students. All I learned at school was who I was.

I was useless, trash, unloved, unwanted, a slut, a fag, a cocksucker, a waste of space.. I was nothing. But I was ok with that.

What hurt was when my own mum says that I'm not her son, that I'm just a bloody faggot who shouldn't be stealing oxygen.. It felt like my heart was getting thrown around, stomped on, ripped open, and flushed down the toilet.

I should be over this, I should be happy that I'm away from them, but it all still haunts me to this very day.

I was never allowed to save myself until marriage, or until the right guy comes along. I had that privilege ripped away from me at age six.

Age fucking six! By my own fucking father!

And not just once, nope. Several times.

But please, don't say you're sorry. Don't pity me. Because I'm sick and tired of empty apologies.

I don't want to be reminded of this anymore.

I cry. Not because of how fucked up my life is, not because I never got the chance to be a proper child.

I cry because I hate myself. I hate myself for still loving my family. I say I hate them but I can't bring myself to do it.

Why can't I hate them? Why?!

Because..

I was taught by society to love my family no matter what happens.

And I do.