I'm sick of everything!
I'm sick of relationships, I'm sick friends, I'm sick of people in general...
I'm sick of people getting bullied, i'm sick of hearing people talk behind other peoples back's, calling each other fat, ugly and useless . As my mum says 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me'. I try to remind myself of that all the time, but... It's hard to believe... Words may not be able to hurt you physically, but mentally... I don't know... Once you hear something about you, someone else around you or anything in general, you start to believe it.
When you hear something negative about yourself and it is repeated everyday, the negative words circle your mind, like a tornado. You start to question things that shouldn't ever be in your mind, so you push them to the back of your mind, distract yourself and try and forget about them, but they are still there... waiting to be answered. You bottle them up at the back of your mind never to be let out, but it's hard... when you're told those words everyday those questions start to bubble, it's like an itch that you can't scratch.
You act like it doesn't bother you around people, you put a smile on your face and pretend everything is fine, when it isn't... it isn't at all. You cry yourself to sleep every night, asking yourself those same questions, the negative words circle your minds once again. You don't sleep, your grades go down, because your not sleeping, you get angry, irritate... your close to bursting point, you just can't take it.
Whilst in class, those same people talk about you, like your not there. They barge past you, pretend your not there. You start to think your invisible, just to avoid the people you skip classes. You don't get the education you need... At lunch you eat hiding away behind the walls of the school, you decide to go to the toilet and to your luck.. The same people are there, like they are waiting or you. They spot you, you immediately turn around an your sudden bust to go to the toilet disappears. They shout at you to stop, when you don't, they follow you while cursing at you and calling you names that shouldn't be repeated. As this is all happening you're trying to block them out, reminding yourself of what your mum told you 'Sicks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me' you repeat over and over again, till a few questions leave the peoples mouth and you start listening. 'Why don't you just kill yourself?', 'You mean nothing to anyone on this planet, no one will miss you if you leave will they?', 'It's quick and easy, it will only hurt a bit but who cares?!'. As they shouted and questioned you about all these things, you start to believe everything, 'no one will miss me.. Their right.. everyone hates me, I don't know what I have done but they do and there is nothing for me here anyway...' you think to yourself. Until you get ripped out of thought. You chucked on the floor with multiple kicks to the stomach, while you are getting shouted at. You wonder why no one is here to stop them, when you loo around you see that you have been so lost in thoughts that you had walked right behind the school, where nobody goes not even teachers. As they kick and shout at you, one person shouts something that really gets to you. It's about a family member.. All of the sudden you snap, everything that you have been told and the questions you have been asking yourself comes bursting out of the bottle in the back of your mind. Your bullies mouth is moving but you don't hear a word, there pushing and shoving and smack your head in the curb. You see black, everything you've been told, still running through your mind, you've blacked out... You wake up in your room, on your bed. Your mum is standing over you, she has a bottle of water in her hand. Her eyes puffy and red, shes been crying. She asked you what happened, you don't want to tell her. Your mums tells you she worried, and asks again..."What happened"... You tell her you started to feel sick, dizzy and passed out. You can tell she dosen't you, but thank full let's it go. As she walks out of the room, you want to tell her, all the thoughts in your head and the bullies, but you know you can't. You know if you tell anyone it will just get worse.
It's been 2 weeks after you passed out, the bullies are getting worse. They tell you you're weak, along with other hurtful things. You keep questioning yourself, and the things in the back of your mind have become an everyday thing, getting worse. You can't handle it, you're in a dark place at the moment. You feel the only way to stop them is physical pain. It feels good, the blade running across your wrist as the blood trickles down your arm, it's like a pain relief. As the weeks flash by, bully after bully, thought after thought. You've stopped eating, your cutting more frequently, you never go out anymore and when you do you cover up.
It's been a month and you've just about had enough. You need to tell someone, you can't just keep avoiding it, but you don't no how. You hate it, so you do the only thing you know how to do. You grab a tie from the closet and hang it off anything you can find that will hold you. You do this with no intention to kill yourself, it's a cry for help... You wrap it around you neck and jump off the chair you were standing on. everything you have ever been throw is running through your mind, all the memories with your family and friends. That is when you realize, you do have people that will miss you and love you with all there hearts.
Later that day your mum comes into your room to check on you. She breaks down when he see's you hanging there. It's done... You regret what you did, you didn't know it was going to end that way. But... you are somehow relived that it is over. No more pain. But what you left behind, your family friends and the life you could of had. You are glad you wrote a note before you committed suicide, because you finally told everyone how you felt.
Your funeral was a couple of weeks after, your note was read and loving words were said. They finally get how you felt and wished you would've told them earlier so they could help. They wish you would've discussed your feelings with them.
I wrote this because, I want everyone to know what it feels like to have this happen.This is happening all over the world and I want to stop it. I want to give people a voice and to stop people from thinking that there only option is to hurt them selves because, it's not. I want this to be shared around the world and if ANYONE is having any problems even if it's the smallest thing, I don't care. I want you guys to tell me inbox me, express your feelings tell me what is on your mind. Please, I want to help everyone out there!
Please spread the word, I want people to know it is okay to let your feelings out, big or small I will help you out :)
P.S. This is not a story of me, I just wrote this based off the stuff that really happens. Normally people commit suicide as a call out for help, they don't know how to tell anyone how they feel and I want to help with that. Please comment, share and vote :)
Thank you for reading :)
Briesha xxx
