“No! Please…No!” I suddenly woke-up catching my breath audibly, I could hear the loud sound of the alarm clock, 12:05am of December 24th, I hurriedly picked it up and threw it on the wall of my bedroom. Again, I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling; floods of memories keep rushing through my mind. I’d been trying to forget the dreadful nightmare for how many years, but still, I always have the same dream, rather………………NIGHTMARE; the same nightmare that haunts me night after night.
I found myself standing on the Patio adjoining my room. Staring at the bright Christmas lights of my neighbors and colorful lanterns hanging around, I could hear the melodious voices of the children singing the Christmas carols. I could hear the laughter of the people around, exchanging gifts, Christmas cards and greetings. On a house nearby, I could see the two little girls with their parents arrived from attending the “Misa de Gallo”. When I was a kid together with my twin sister, we used to be very excited and were always looking forward for Christmas. When December comes, mom used to play Christmas carols and she used to take us shopping for Christmas decors, then she let us help her decorate our house with colourful Christmas ornaments. Dad used to cut pine tree on a forest near our house, for us to decorate as Christmas tree. Oh! It was a portrait of a one happy family preparing for the coming of Our Savior, until that fateful night that made me hate Christmas. I lit a cigarette then poured the glass full of brandy. A cold December breeze sent chills down my spine that made me shiver. My mind was occupied by painful and dreadful memories of the past. The past that always haunts me and that left a deep scar on my heart.
Early December 24, 1993. Everyone was busy preparing for a special Christmas Eve celebration. We were all excited specially me and my twin sister, Dianne. Mom called us from the kitchen where she was baking a Christmas cake. She asked us to assist her on the kitchen and we gladly obliged. I saw dad sitting on the couch in our living room while holding the telephone, he seemed like arguing with the caller on the line. “Mom, what’s wrong? Dad looks mad. Whose the caller on the other line?” I asked mom while helping my twin sister prepare the ingredients for the Macaroni salad. “Nothing’s wrong honey, ok?” mom answered me with a sweet smile on her lovely face, but, I caught a glimpse of sadness in her eyes that time, in my young mind I can sense that something is troubling her. Mom gently touched my face and kissed my forehead. I gave her a sweet smile to hide my confusion then continued with my task. It was about 11:00pm; Dianne and I were inside our room, trying our best to look good on this special occasion. Dianne voluntarily helped me put the ribbon on my hair, we were babbling about the presents we are about to open. “Oh! Such beautiful angels” mom said proudly, she was standing right at the open door. “Come here you two, give mom a hug” she motioned us and we ran toward her and held each other tight. After a couple of minutes she left us and went downstairs to prepare for our “Noche Buena”. That very moment a terrifying event awaits us; an event that would leave a deep scar in my heart and soul.
My sister and I went down the stairs hand in hand with smiles on our faces, just as we were about to enter the living room we heard gunshots one, two, three, four shots then we heard the loud screaming of mom. My sister’s face turned white with fear while I was trembling. Dianne suddenly pulled my hand then pushed me inside the storage room and asked me not to make a sound. “Stay here Donna, I’ll go and check on mom, don’t worry everything’s going to be ok” Dianne said with assurance. “Don’t leave me please” I begged her. “I’ll come back for you I promise, stay here and please whatever happens don’t go out from this room” she said. I nodded then she left and closed the door, I peeked on the keyhole and saw Dianne ran towards mom who was shaking with anguish crying over dad’s body on the floor. Then one of the men pulled mom by hair and demanded mom to give him the “documents” but mom shook her head and said she didn’t know anything about the documents that they were looking for. The man with a big scar on his face slapped mom on the face “why don’t you just give the damn documents! Hand them to me now if you still want to live!” he shouted with anger. “The land belongs to us! I won’t let you take it away from us! I would never allow anyone to get hold of it” mom said in determined voice while hugging my sister. The other man pulled Dianne away from mom, held her and said “what a pretty little daughter you have” while stroking Dianne’s hair. Mom begged him not to harm my sister; her face was filled with horror. Suddenly the man started tearing my sister’s dress “stop! Let go of me!” Dianne tried her best to get away from the man, she got a chance to bit the man’s hand then ran but Dianne had only taken few steps away then bang!!! came the sound of a gun together with mom’s loud scream. I stood frozen, and then another sound of a gun, mom fell on the floor right beside Dianne. The three evil men burst out with laughter in mockery, while watching my mom’s breathing fade away. Before they left, the man with a scar on his face kicked dad’s lifeless body on the floor. My eyes were filled with shock, fear and anger! I could see my sister’s lifeless face, with wide-opened eyes staring at me, penetrating my very soul. My body was shaking, tears begun to fall, I wanted to scream on the top of my lungs. No, please..... No!
15 years passed by and yet the horror in my heart never left me as if it only happened yesterday. The memories, happy memories my family had were changed to memories of terror. My parents were Catholics; they lived with their Christian faith. They used to teach us about God and His kindness. We used to go church every Sundays without fail. We were taught that God is our savior and our protector, but then again, why God abandoned us when we needed Him the most. I have this strong urge inside me to question God, Why? Why God allowed the three men kill my family in cold blood? Why God allowed the three evil men and the “powerful man” behind the crime take my parents’ properties; properties that my dad inherited from his parents and treasured for decades. Why did He let them destroy my twin sister’s dreams and a bright future that awaits her, the same as they have destroyed mine? Doesn’t He know how painful and horrifying it was for me to witness how they murdered my precious family and live day by day with these painful memories that keep playing on my mind over and over again? Mom’s loud screams keep ringing on my ear, Dianne’s lifeless face in my vision whenever I close my eyes. I wonder why God allowed me to live and let me suffer these painful ordeals. That Christmas Eve was supposed to be an exciting and happy occasion for me and my family but it turned out to be a night of terror. Where’s the justice there? Since that very night I lived through pain, misery fear and anger. I can't accept the fact that I am all alone in this cruel world. This horrible experience has decreased my own spiritual faith; no one can see how badly I’m hurting no matter how obvious I’m lost and don’t know where to go. How I wish I died with them, my family I loved and adored so much. I tried to hold back my tears but they fell and kept streaming down my cheeks. I tried so hard to battle with life and somehow I survived, 15 years, 15 long years…………………of hunger for justice that I had been deprived of…..
