Hello family,
This is going to hurt you all to read this but every time that I wrote a letter to you all I wondered if I would live to see your letter back. It scared the crap out of me thinking like that, and it scared me to think that part of me had already resigned to me dying, but I also want you all to know that it was always thinking about you that made it so much easier to lay down and sleep in peace and not cry. You've all helped me in my life, been supportive of me, pushed me further than I thought I could go, made me believe in myself and what I can achieve, and I want to thank you for that.
Mum: I love you, I really do, no matter what I said in our arguments. You've always been there for me and you've never doubted me even when you should have given up on me. When I told you that I had enrolled for the army you weren't angry - instead, you hugged me and told me that no matter what I did you would always be behind me, no matter what I decided to do with my life because it was exactly that: my life.
Dad: I'm sorry that I disappointed you by joining the army. All I've ever wanted was to make your proud of me, but all I've ever managed to do is to ruin something in your life. By joining the army, I stopped your dreams of making me rich and happy.. but, dad, I'm happy here. I'm doing something good for once, I'm actually helping people and not causing trouble. Doesn't that count for something?
Katrina: Hey, sis! I wish I could have been there for your sixteenth birthday party - I would have rocked that crib.. Yeah, I won't try that again. I'm not as cool as you are, am I? I hope that you're having fun, working hard, and breaking hearts. Don't let them boys break you because you're my little trooper and I love you for that. I want you to be strong for mum and dad - Lord knows how they're coping with this. I love you loads, even if you annoyed me and constantly walked into my room like you owned the damn place.
Grandma: I know that you can't remember me and you don't understand what's going on around you, but I want you to know that I love you, despite my constant abusive verbal attacks on you. You always were demanding and you never let me do something wrong, but then you lost your strength and I fell apart. You're still the same Grandma to me: strong and sure and proud. Miss you.
I'm not too good at this. It's a farewell letter, because if you're reading this, it means I'm dead. I'm not coming back, so don't stop your lives and wait for me to return because I won't. I'm dead. Poof, I'm gone, in the underworld or something like that. I've never believed in the afterlife or God or heaven, but now it seems like i should start believing in something good for once. I don't know if I'm going to miss you, even though I say I will, because I don't know if I can feel when I'm dead. I hope I do. I hope I can remember all of your faces. I hope that you remember me smiling and happy and carefree, that you remember all the good times we've had together as a family. You're all amazing, strong, but not perfect, and I wouldn't have you lot any other way.
I guess I won't be seeing you..
Sam.
