Love Hurts

Pain and Growth.

CHARLOTTE 

Was he still wearing it? Or did he remarry? But that was my ring. The ring that I bought for him. For our marriage and commitment to one another. So why the hell was he still wearing it? We were split up. Have been for five years. No talking, no knowing where the other is, no... nothing.

Why am I thinking about the damn ring? I have a more pressing matter at hand to think about right now. Like the fact that he found me, his child he still has yet to meet, and where we both reside! And hell! I invited him to her dance recital! What was I thinking? I should leave. I really should. I can just pick everything up and go. But I can't. I can't do that again, everything is different now. Before it was just me and a fetus. Me looking for a better place for the fetus, future child, to live. And now this fetus has found a home in the place I ran too. So I can't just uproot everything and leave and anymore. I have a little human now, not a fetus. The weight of these thoughts and the unknown future was too much to bear, my legs gave out and a sob escaped my mouth as I slide down the door. I have options but the weight of these options is too much to bear.

...

"Make sure all hair clips are in and sprayed down, along with ballet shoes tied, and parents breathe! It's just a dance recital! But a fun one it will be right girls?!" A chorus of yes's sounded throughout the room of five year old girls, who didn't have a care in the world as along as their snacks were present, their nerves weren't.  While the kids were fine I was a basket of fucking nerves. He was coming. I knew he was coming. Maybe he's coming. I'm not sure if he's coming, hopefully for her sake he was coming. Oh God I'm rambling.

"Mommy? "

"Yes princess?" I said as I tried to mask my nerves, knowing damn well that children could sense when bad things were happening. They were like damn spies, they could always sense when a storm was coming.

"All the other girls got flowers from their daddy, how come I don't get flowers from my daddy?" I no longer have a heart. Between her and her father they have officially broken it. Did I make a mistake leaving all those years? Should I have allowed him to know Rose for herself? So she could have a father figure? It wasn't an easy decision to leave, I had her best interest at heart and at the time that was to leave. But, was this question, and the lost moments worth it? Thankfully I was saved by the bell, more like the high pitched dance instructor that yelled, "showtime, so parents show yourself out!" I wanted to both hug and strangle her. Rose gave me a smile and a kiss, putting on a tough face though I could tell this dad thing really hit her hard this time. When she was younger I was really able to brush the question off because she really didn't understand, but now I can tell that ideas are forming and questions are arising. She is still a baby, but a baby with a voice and views. And I watched my baby girl turn around give me a wave and follow the other girls backstage.
With the overwhelming urge to cry I gathered Rose's and I's things and left the room.

What I saw outside of the room made me want to cry some more and hide. Asher was here. He was pacing back-and-forth with flowers, a lot of flowers, in his hands. I cleared my throat, in substitute to saying something because I have no idea what to say or where to start. Asher somewhat jumped as if I had come from behind and scared him.
"Hi, umm hi sorry I am uhhh just a tad bit freaking out. Oh these are for you," Asher said as he walked straight towards me my favorite flowers in his hand. "I knew what you like, but I'm not exactly sure what she likes so I just grabbed a bunch, she can pick the ones she likes." I was speechless, this was the man I loved, what happened? Why did the road have to get so messed up? "What's wrong? Are you okay? Are those not your favorite flowers anymore? You can chose from these, if they are not here then I will find them and bring them to you another time. I--"

"Asher relax and breathe. Rose wants to meet you. Just be who you are, she will love the real you, everyone does."

He took a deep breathe and let out a small laugh, "thank you, I needed that. Hey also the ball is in your court. You're in charge, you can play this however you feel comfortable. I am the ball throw me wherever you want me to go and I will listen to you."

"Hell ya you're gonna follow my rules. This is my baby girl you are dealing with, I don't mess around when it comes to her. Now come on, let's go sit." I may sound like I have this under control and now what I'm doing but I'm freaking out. All the things and emotions that I have stitched up for the last five year suddenly started to rip through the once perfect sutures. Leaving me confused and breathless. Because damn if he didn't smell amazing. He always had this scent to him, a scent that I could never get enough of, and if I wasn't carful I'd fall right back into the rabbit hole of addiction. And that is bad. Or is it...? Yes dammit Charlotte it is.
I sat down in a theater style chair hoping he'd sit a couple chairs away for me or behind me. But luck was not on my side today,nor has it ever been on my side. He sat right next to me. His scent not only engulfed my thoughts but also my feelings. Good Lord it brought back so many good memories and ideas. Ideas that I shouldn't be having at my daughters dance recital. So I sucked it up, ignored the fact that the love of my life was sitting right next to me, who also happened to be a filthy bastard, and breathed through my mouth, and focused on the little tiny dancers on stage. 

...

"You brought her father here!?What were you thinking?!" Semi yelled Nessa. I opened my mouth to reply but was beat to it.

"My father is here?" A small tentative voice replied.

My heart stopped. "Um yes sweetheart. I didn't want to tell you like this but yes he's here. "

"I don't want a daddy if he makes you sahd! Forget what I said earlier about dads! They are stupid! I want you! Take him back!!" Yelled Rose, giving me a layer of confusion to mask my scared.

"Oh honey, why do you say daddy makes me sad?"

"I hear you crying a lot and ahways ask auntie why and she says because of my daddy!"

"Baby that's not true. I used to love your daddy so much, and you were the result of that once in a lifetime like love. Don't be mad at your dad, love him because he already loves you and he doesn't even know you. Mommy cried because daddy and mommy didn't work. But we both love you so much, and that's what matters. So forget about all the other things sweetheart and meet your daddy. Because I know that you really want to meet him," I finished off with a smile. What the hell did I just say? I have no frickin' idea, I pulled it out of my ass.

"Hi Rose. My name is Asher. I am very excited to get know you, you remind me so much of your mother already. And I love her so much, and I'm sorry I couldn't be here for the last five years, bad things happened but that doesn't matter anymore. So how about we go celebrate your amazing dance skills with some ice cream?"

...

Hello loves...

Thank you for reading

Lewis xo

(P.S. Not proof read or edited)