It Was Wrong.

The Only Chapter

Wednesday,
29 June 2016.

-

It was the summer solstice. Humid and dry, but even so, I continued to find myself drowning. In a flood of memories, you came to me.

Between the crackling fire and sound of laughter, I couldn't bring myself to smile along. I felt wrong, like it was wrong; like laughing with my friends and having a good time was wrong.

I didn't want to remember you. At first. I wanted to forget you. I wanted you to disappear, as if you never met me and I never met you; as if...you never even existed.

But it was hard.

It was hard to forget someone like you. You, who smiled with her eyes; who smiled with her dimples - one on each cheek. You, who cried watching Cheer up; who couldn't stand to hear me say, "I love you." It was always you, the only person who could make me smile the way I did. No one else could.

Not Jimin. Not Namjoon, Hoseok, or even Seokjin.

But you.

The only person who could make Min Yoongi - me - smile the way he did...

I stood up to distance myself from the camp, to sit alone, away from the noise and the laughter.

The wood crackled under the heat of the fire.

"Yoongi," -

I looked up to Seokjin, his hand wrapped around my wrist.

"Where are you going? You're going to miss out on all the fun."

I smiled, "I think I'll call it a night for me."

"You're going to sleep?"

I nod and Seokjin's hand lets me go. He doesn't talk either but instead smiles back as he returns to the camp and the others.

Twigs and leaves break and rip under my boots as I make my way through the thin trees of the woods. It was night out but it was quiet, peaceful.

I wanted quiet.

But I wanted you more.

Reaching for each tree before me, I continued to walk blindly, in the dark. It seemed not to matter to me anymore: Whether or not I would return. I wanted you to return to me instead.

I wanted to return to you again, but...it seemed as though my chance had slipped the second your heart monitor had flattened.

When your heart couldn't hold out, when you didn't want to hold out anymore.

I was there.

And the scar still exists.

The air was becoming drier. Reaching out for the trees before me, I continued to walk blindly, through the woods. Twigs continued to break under my boots and the sound of leaves ripped and rustled under me, as well. I squinted. At the end of my random path, there was a complete darkness ahead.

I was determined to get there.

Then, suddenly, I began to drown again. Not only in memories of you but from the tears that blurred my sight. I was the reason.

Why your smile didn't last long; why I never saw your smile again, I was the reason...you didn't want to hold out anymore.

Could you forgive me?

I reached the darkness and it laid out before me.

I saw my chance to be with you.

Then, a voice shook the trees.

"Yoongi!" Seokjin was looking for me.

Then, I heard Jungkook, "Hyung, where are you?"

"Yoongi!" It was Taehyung.

I heard them calling for me, the boys were looking for me. Should I go back?

I couldn't. I wanted to return to you.

I don't look back and make my way to the cliff that stood in the darkness before me. It was quiet. I wanted quiet.

Then, I hear running; They're running, but in this darkness, they'd never reach me in time.

My boots walk up to the very tip of the cliff, the sound of gravel and rocks crinkling right under me.

I looked over the edge and at the bottom, there was no crashing water, no high tides to catch me if I jumped; At the bottom, only the presence of jagged rocks and tall trees lived.

Just one more step and I could see you again. Would you like that? I would. I could hold you then.

During your funeral, I couldn't even see you but one more step over this edge and I can be with you forever.

I was completely drowning now in only my sobs and the chokes that stopped in my throat. I couldn't hold out anymore. I didn't want to hold out anymore. I turn around and from behind the trees, Jungkook appears.

I take my last step backwards.

"Hyung!"

He calls out to me but I'm already falling. The last thing I saw was Seokjin running out of the woods along with the others. They all cried out to me, calling my name.

Jungkook was close.

But he was too late - Our fingers brushed and my peace was broken, with the sound of the others screaming out to me, hanging over the edge I took my last step over.

I closed my eyes, ready to meet my end and I thought:

Can you be the first I meet on the other side?

Min Yoongi
March 9, 1993
-
June 29, 2016
May he rest in peace alongside his beloved.