After the Bones

Last goodbye

My name is Salmon, like the fish. Actually, that's my last name. My first name is Susie. I was fourteen years old when I was murdered on December 6, 1973. My murder wasn't someone random, but he wasn't someone actually close to me neither. He was sort of a friend of my parents or something like that. Or so he pretended to be so he could keep an eye on me. He choose me. Of all of the kids and girls in my small neighborhood, I was chosen. I mean, how lucky am I?

This man was never caught and I don't think we will be someday. The police stopped looking for answers a long time ago and my case is probably filed in some folder somewhere in the police station. But my dad never stopped looking for answers and specially for me. For my body, to be specific. I'm still trying to understand this whole situation. I'm still trying to understand this place.

I've been watching my family and how in pain they are. My little brother can feel me and see me somehow, but no one believes him since he's just a kid. Although, I'm grateful for that. I don't wanna cause them more pain. They are better off in the state of disbelief.

My dad is the one who's suffering the most. I can't see that happy man anymore and I know the fault is all on me. I'm sorry, dad. I swear I never meant to turn you into that zombie human being you are right now. And I'm sorry I can't change it.

The more that I wanna help him, I don't know how. I've been seeing he looking for answers in all the wrong places when it's right in front of him. I struggle trying to make him see that the guilty man is closer than he thinks. He's so close and he never get there. I'm trying to make he feel me around and guide him into the right direction. I'm trying to make him notice that I'm still here for him. But it's useless.

I wish I could just blame that disgusting man for what he did to me, but the thing is I can't. Yes, he asked me to follow him so he could do the horrible things he did before killing me. But I shouldn't have gone down there. I was so naive and I just realized that when it was already too late. I was there for a moment and then I was gone. But it wasn't so fast as it looks like. 

I'm guilty too.

I got up, but I wasn't really getting up. My body was still lying there in that dirty ground, right next to his sweaty body. I panicked. I tried calling myself but my eyes were still closed and I didn't move. I wasn't breathing. It was then that I realized I was dead.  

My mother completely lost it. She started drinking and smoking again. She is quite lax about herself and about my siblings. I watch her getting deeper and deeper in her own pain and it's killing me inside. Well, that sounded so ironic since I'm already dead. I wish I could just hug her and tell her everything is gonna be okay. Tell her to take care of herself because my siblings need her and so do my dad.

My sister is trying to move on with her life and I'm happy for her. Sometimes I caught her crying in the corner of my old room, looking at our pictures. We used to be so close and now it's all gone. I hope she keep moving on and doing what she wants to do. I don't want her to let the pain take over her and I know how she's up to take up the cudgels for my dad.

I just want them to be happy.

Right now, I'm in this awkward place between there and then. I'm not alone, although. There's this little girl with me. She said she feels my pain because something similar happened to her. She's even younger than me and I can't even imagine how her family is handling it. It's not that bad here. It's kinda like a dream world. But the difference is that I won't wake up from this dream. 

It gets lonely sometimes and it's full of pain. I can feel it in the air.

Dad, if I could tell you something I would tell you to stop looking for answers and start living your own life. I know you're strong enough to get through it. You do not deserve to live like this. You're not living, you're only existing. I don't want that for you. I don't want that for any of you. There's nothing you can do to change what happened. I know you want justice, but that's a word that shouldn't exist in the vocabulary. This brings the worst that is in a person. It wouldn't change anything, dad. I would still being here.

Can you please do that for me? Can you live? And please, take care of our family and don't give up on mom. I can tell you're thinking about it. Don't you ever let that man approach them again. Trust me I know what he is capable of. 

I love you so much and I'll always be your little girl. Please, just live.

---

I watched the movie a long time ago and then I read the book because I felt like there was more to the story. And it really was. But I felt like it was missing something. I wanted to expand Susie's thoughts and feelings after her murder.
I was in the class when her quote started running in my head. So I started writting and writting and writting and this oneshoot came out. 
Just to be clear, this is MY way of interpreting Susie's thoughts and feelings. That doesn't mean that it's the only one.
I hope you'all enjoyed it. (: -VP