Mask- a Supernatural fanfiction

Chapter 26: Shower Thoughts

CATHERINE POV

The hot shower washed the day right off of me. I could feel the water wipe all the stress and strain from the day as it slid down my naked body. The day's moments passed through my mind again in flashes.

First, the dream I had of Edward made its way to the front of my mind. I'm still overwhelmed on how realistic it was. And it made me frown as I let the steaming hot water cascade down my back.

Then, came the moments I had with Dean this morning. How I forced him to give me a piggyback ride all the way to the amusement park; how he persuaded Jess to switch rooms with him without my knowledge; how he had told me about Jess and Sam; and how he made love to me on the same hotel bed that we were supposed to sleep in together tonight. Those memories brought a small smile on my face again as I reached for the tiny complementary shampoo bottle.

Following, came the memories from the amusement park, both happy and sad. I remembered the rides Sam, Jess, and I had got on and how we were overtaken with excitement. I remember the way my cheeks started to hurt from the amount of smiling my face had done. I remember the rollercoaster Dean and I went on. I remember how nervous he was in the beginning, but how he was happy afterwards. But the memories of seeing my brother stalking me from afar only pushed them away. I remembered how Dean had yelled at me when I told him about it. How he told me that he regretted taking me in that day. And how he stormed off afterwards. It caused me to let out a sigh as I squeezed the shampoo into my hand and scrubbed it into my hair.

Next, the feeling of depression I had felt when I ranted to Jess came back. How I had came to the decision of giving myself into Edward to save everyone from the burdens he could– no, would– bring to them. Then how Jess had prohibited me from doing such a thing, and how I lied to her that I wouldn't. I took a mental note for myself to plan out my escape later on.

Afterwards, the events at the bar pushed their way forward for attention. I remembered the betrayal I felt when I saw that slut all over Dean, and how he seemed almost like he was under a spell. I remember the anger that had washed over me; and how I told Luke to keep Dean away from me, not thinking about the fight that they would have. I remember walking into the rain and the tears falling down my cheeks. I tried to keep myself here as I washed the bubbles out of my hair and down the drain.

Then, the discovery of my brother being a demon came forward. The way he blinked the black from his eyes with a dangerous grin. How he said that he was happy Edward had turned him that way and how the only way he could thank him would be to capture me. I remember feeling the injection going through my skin, and inserting whatever-it-was into me. I remember feeling every ounce of it flow through my veins until I blacked out. Scrubbing myself with body wash, I ran my hand over my arms, reminiscing about the strange feeling like it was still in my blood.

I remember everything Joe said to me in that room. I could still feel the punches he threw and the knife slowly dragging across my chest. I placed my hand there, feeling for a scab or a scar, but I felt nothing. I did feel, however, my heart compressing from the pain. The words hurt most of all. Everything he said only pushed me further into that hole I was in when my parents were murdered. I didn't want to go back there. So I quickly made myself focus on squeezing the conditioner into my hand and on massaging it into my scalp.

When I finally got back to the hotel after, I remember fainting into Sam's arms. I remember fading in and out of consciousness. I could vaguely remember Dean's voice calling to me and telling me he was sorry. I could remember coming back, courtesy of Cas. I remembered the way they all looked when I woke up, how they looked tired and beat up–especially Dean, literally. He still had all those cuts and bruises on his face. I'm surprised he didn't have Cas heal him yet.

I remember telling him to give me space, and how he surprisingly agreed. I remember how even though I was still hurt from all that happened; I still wanted to be with him. The pull towards him was so strong that I would've given in if he hadn't left the room. I tried so hard to make myself stay away, but I couldn't. And bringing him beer and pizza was just a pathetic excuse to be near him.

I remember Cas declaring his love for me. I remember how I silently begged for everything to just go back to normal. I couldn't give Cas what he wanted from me, no matter how hard I tried to. I wish I could give everything to him; after all he has done for me. I suck at returning the favor.

When I stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around me, I thought of something that could hurt me most of all: Dean finding out about Cas' feelings for me. He would go ballistic. I tried hard not to picture Dean and Cas fighting. I knew I couldn't let Dean find out. It would only tear this family apart. And I would be the cause of it. I would be the cause of breaking another family up, again.