Things I never told

The beginning

It's pretty hard to write when you're super lost in thoughts and memories.

I kind of explained where I was in the introduction; it's June 2016 now .

I'm going to take you all back to early 2015, i was 17 .

A lot can happen in a year ... A LOT. 

So I was just getting over a depression that lasted 5 years. I have a lot of trouble remembering things right now, it's because it feels like a lot has happened but not that much at the same time. (You'll get it) And I'm still debating with myself wether to share everything, literally, or to keep some things to myself.. 

I don't want to turn this into something dark and unpleasing to read. But it's my first time writing so bear with me :) 

Anyway , I was happy, I felt amazing. You know, when you finally get it ! ''Happiness is a choice and you got to work hard to stay happy and succeed". I was feeling invincible and strong as fuck. It's so powerful to be so determined to change for the better. I started being super perfectionnist, at first it worked out well for me, but when you're being too much of a perfectionnist things get unhealthy. Thankfully, it didn't get too unhealthy (17year old me would kill me for saying that :'') ). 

 Where I live, in order to graduate, we have exams in the easy stuff a year before our senior year, and then we pass the rest at the end of our senior year. Basically we're under pressure for two years straight. I was taking the hardest class. I liked it, it wasn't as hard as people said it was. I absolutely loved maths -somehow- and enjoyed doing maths. I was doing great, finally!

One week, "S", my bff, the happy one (her face always made me think of a happy face emoji) wasn't so happy anymore. She showed up with a huge bandage all around her wrist. She was wearing long sleeves but she managed to get me to see it. I didn't think at all of self-harm. Not even for a second. She is a martial artist and she's always climbing on walls and trees and doing the splits and hurting herself occasionnally while doing so. So yeah, I didn't really think that she would hurt herself on purpose. I asked her what it was, she said "it's nothing".

A day later she changed the background on her phone to a guy pointing a gun to his throat, and her profile picture on whatsapp was someone who had hangged themselves and she literally only wore black on black at school all week. I got it this time, it was self-harm. We didn't have much time to have a serious talk face to face, so I decided to wait until she came to my house. It was stressing me out, really stressing me out. I felt horrible for her, and I was quite shocked to be honest. So I tried to think of how I would approach it, what I would say to her, and how to get her to see that she didn't have to do this...I was overwhelmed. I had to be really careful with what I was gonna say to her. I wanted to help more than anything. I owed it to her after all the good times we had when I was at my absolute worse. 

So I get her to come to my house, I'm super stressed out but I just go and get my diary. We're both sitting on my carpet in my room, I start reading a page where I talk about suicide and how much I want to die. At the time she must've thought she was walking around with a failed suicide attempt on her wrist, so I decided to go with it, I had been there too...

So yeah after I was done reading she asked me why I was telling her all this. So I told her about her suicidal phone's background, profile picture and her black on black clothes, then I just said : " I took the hints ."  At that moment I think I blew her mind. I think she had never admitted to herself that the cutting and the clothes and the pictures were for attention. I made sure not to use that term : "for attention", it can be really offensive, but I told her that by doing all this, she was asking for help and that I was there for her. It went fine. (btw ; she cut herself cus of some embarrassing moment at practice, yup she was putting a lot of pressure on herself.)