Sometimes I lie awake in the middle of the night thinking of you, thinking of us. All the hurt feelings come back and I realize that I hate you for making me feel this way.
Feeling so inadequate. Feeling so small. And I cry.
But its not the type of crying where tears are flowing ceremoniously. Not the type where my nose is getting stuffy. It is the type of crying where I cannot breathe, my chest is heaving and its all-around suffocating. My eyes are red and it's uncomfortable. It isn't pretty or dramatically loud. It is muffled. It is real.
The worst is when I am just trying to move on with my life. Like when I go downstairs at 7 am and make myself a cup of coffee, just waiting for it to brew. The whole room is lit with sunshine and the morning is pleasantly quiet. That is when I think of you. Think how you would pull me into you while I wait and give me a hug, tell me to come back to bed and I just give you a grin and shake of my head because I don't have it in me to refuse such an offer.
But it is the worst because I know that I still miss you. I still love you. And I hate it. I hate that I love you. Are you even thinking of me? Do you stare at your cup of Espresso in the afternoon because that's when you wake up every day and think of me too?
The emptiness I feel when I think of your absence hurts. I'm not numb like you may be. I feel every negative emotion so deeply. Its a gnawing, about to puke and cry at the same time kind of feeling. And I can't see the end of it. We lied to each other. You told me she didn't mean anything and I told you that I was on my way home.
We were fucked up.
I see that now. You never cared, but I still find myself missing you. Every time I see you with her, the girl that took you away from me, it is like you've never seen anyone else. You seem happy and that's when I realize all over again that you never cared. I was just someone who could fill that hole in your heart. But the one in my own heart was something only you could fill. And without you there, it is empty and I feel weak. I feel lost. And all I can think of as I walk down the street to work is six words that tear into me.
I hate that I love you.
