The Hospital Room (Cashley & Jindy)

Chapter 15

~Jake's POV~

Ever since I'd left the hospital, nothing had really changed. I still felt horribly depressed. I still took the medication they claimed would help. But, despite the thoughts that seemed to weigh down my confidence, I was still functioning somewhat well. Better than before anyways, maybe my stay in the hospital had helped some. My only concern was that I'd never see any of them again; they were gone, never to be seen. But they all had their own lives to get on with, even if I was going nowhere. That wasn't their fault.

I'd gone to college, I'd graduated. I had studied Music and history, both of those things I found were... a good outlet for my thoughts, music as it was creative, and history because I could immerse myself in the past, and that way I wasn't thinking of the present. It was a good way to handle my depression, well, I thought it was anyways.

Another thing I had gotten myself into was anything athletic that I could do, or had the confidence to do. I mostly just worked out and went to the gym. I also ate a lot healthier than I used to, it made my body feel a lot better, I was only feeding it the good things, things that would help myself function, even when I felt low.

I'd stopped the cutting, god, I'd stopped that long ago now. I realised that it really didn't help, all it did was leave behind scars that would be there for life to remind me of all those horrible times in high school. I didn't want those memories... so to cover them. I covered my arms in tattoos, they were bright and vibrant, a reminder to stay positive. It did help, sometimes when I didn't feel like doing anything, I'd just sit and examine all the pictures on my arms that made me look like I was in some band, when in fact I wasn't, I just enjoyed the happiness it brought me.

I had discovered that I was straight when I found my girlfriend Ella, we were great together, we had so many good memories. We got two dogs, Trixy and Ernie. They were adorable, and I loved them. They were little weirdo's, almost like my children I guess. But, Ella and I started to argue somewhere down the line, and we couldn't stand the sight of each other after a while.

We broke up. We hated every little quirk about each other, everything we used to find cute, it was now irritating, they made us feel so ticked off. We just couldn't handle the stress we were putting on each other. She moved back to England and I was left in America, in LA with the two dogs that we'd gotten together all that time ago. It felt like a lifetime ago, not just a few years.

Despite the time it had been since we'd left each other, I still found myself longing for her to come back, even though we basically hated each other's guts. I guess I was more yearning for the touch, and the love that used to be, so I wouldn't have to try to fix myself alone and fill the gaping hole in my chest that wouldn't allow me to survive.

And to make matters worse, my mom died, unexpectedly. I was left with just my father, sister and my dogs. I had been so very close with my mom, it hurt bad when she suddenly passed away like that, it was like someone was trying to torture me, to see how long it would take until I broke and jumped off the bridge, till I gave up and killed myself, too tired to go on with all this heartbreak and loss. It was like the path ahead of me was a long empty dark road that went on forever, and the end, if there was one, was just dark and lonely.

But I still forced myself to function, to go on like I should, despite how awful I felt somedays. I'd never been back about my depression that seemed to just loom over my shoulder and laugh at me, drag me down till I felt like I didn't even deserve to be here, like no one fucking wanted me to be alive. The feeling was awful, and I honestly just wanted it to stop, I wanted to be free from the chains that were pulling me down and keeping me locked away from the sun.

That didn't matter though; I was still going on with my day. I was grocery shopping, but it didn't even feel like I was there any more, my body was just going through the motions, picking up what I knew I needed, my face blank as I searched through boxes and dropped them in the cart I was pushing in front of me. Maybe one day I'd get to finally be happy, be free from these feelings, but I have no idea when that day will be.