Grey

Deep into my soul

I never was an " in between " kind of girl. What's that quote again ? " It's either black or white for me, I don't know what grey is, I never did. " I've always loved this sentence because it perfectly describes my life.

As a kid, I would either refuse to play with boys and act overly girly or join the boys and beat them at their own game. Growing up, I began to notice that I'm not like the other kids, I've always considered myself different. I would either be friends with everyone and feel the need to do it or simply push everyone away just to enjoy being alone. I was always so incredibly lazy, I never picked up a notebook to study in my whole entire life and somehow I managed to pass and got accepted into Oxford and that's where I turned into a complete nerd who spends almost all her time in the library. Even my parents were surprised to see that happen, I have that affect on people.

I began to think that my tendency to go to the extremes was a quality of mine until I met him. Yes, here comes the cliché. You see, I was one of those girls who would laugh at girls who were in love claiming that love was nothing but an illusion, you basically get attached to the idea of someone more than the actual person so really you're in love with the person they wanted you to think they are just to seduce you and once they start showing their true colors you get disappointed and heartbroken. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my point of view of love ever since I was a freaking kid.

When I started talking to him I thought that I was just going to reject him just like I do to every guy who dares to try to take me out on a date and brainwash me into believing in love but clearly that was not the case. I thought I should give it a shot and completely forgot that I don't exactly do things normally and tend to go way too far because honestly I didn't think I would fall for him at all but I did, I fell in way too deep and ended going against every rule I have ever made, not because he was that great and not because he was perfect for me but simply because I just don't know how to not go to the extremes . So as you can imagine, everything a normal girl feels when in a relationship I felt ten times harder, the butterflies, the joy and eventually the heartbreak, all ten times harder which when I realized that feeling and doing everything to the extremes was not the best idea but it was who I am and I couldn't change that so I decided that love was just not meant for people like me.

Since changing that part of myself was impossible I started poking at other areas of my personality in order to grow and mature more, I started stepping out of my comfort zone and tried to be a little more independent which lead me to where I am today, in the university I've always wanted to go to with two new best friends.
The thing is, I thought that I would be fine if I just stayed away from romance because I believed that my peculiar tendencies wouldn't destroy me as long as I didn't fall for anyone, boy was I wrong.
Memories of how it all started come flashing back now as I lay on the floor with my hands and feet tied and ducktape over my mouth..