The sky had its own crisp. The air was cold but there was no snow falling down, it never snowed - never in a million years. I tried to wake up but I'm too weak or call it laziness. I stretched. So, in a few minutes I would be eating all the kinds of food served before me. All of my happiness when I woke up was just because of this day -------- CHIRSTMAS DAY!!
.
.
Now, I walk through the door to the computer area and all I noticed that my brother was just playing games on the computer. It was my obligation to call him, to eat with me with Mama and Papa, but they weren't their neither the presents. . . They just have forgotten about it. Maybe. . .
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.
Pancakes. Bacon. Egg. Bread. EVERYTHING!
.
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It just felt incomplete. Something, not coming to me this morning.
.
It was a call from Grandpa. He should be calling us by now.
Hours passed.
No call.
.
I'm sure that's there is a clear explination for this. I hope.
.
.
.
At 11:00, Mama called me saying:
" Steffanie, I'm so sorry. I didn't get to be with you this Christmas morning. But. . . Ummm. Your Grandpa is here,"
"Where??"
"At the HOSPITAL. . ."
"He has cancer. . The doctor said that he has small hope of surviving."
". . ."
"Please bring Ancel and Belle with you"
. . .
My grandpa. . . I bursted into tears. It's so hard to accept that he's going to go away for a very long time. .
My Grandpa was a father to me, he didn't act like an old man but an old man acting like a young father. He was always there for me. He didn't go away. Never.
.
.
I went to the hospital with Ancel and Belle.
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I cried to sleep near my Grandpa. No impression. He was like a hundred year old dead man. I just can't take it. I can stay put. I just can't.
I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT!!!
.
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I ran outside. I shouted outside.
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I can't let go of my anger.
.
'
I just can't let go of it. I can't accept it. It's just like a bird waiting to be free but it cannot be freed. My anger is a bird inside my rib cage, inside my heart, killing me.
.
.
.
.
.
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He lived for a few weeks.
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.
.
.
December 31, 2002
11: 53
My Grandpa lying down on his bed, saying: "You be a good wife to Theo. Sorry. I wouldn't be in your wedding. I want to see you, the moment you walk down that isle. I love you. . ."
At that moment I have accepted his death.
And his ending has come.
Crying all the time.
That's what I did this New Year.
