From Me To You

Dear James,

Yes I knew I was dying... No I didn't tell you sooner. I couldn't. U'll see

Things should have been different, I might even wish for this stupid disease to leave my ass alone. hmmm I can hear your voice I my head going, 'damn, that ass.'

Its a weird feeling, you know the one, where you are crying and laughing at the same time.. Feels like someone is ripping your heart piece by piece. I feel it with every sob that leaves my mouth, and my face has this stupid sad smile plastered to it.

Hell. That's what it feels like.

And by the time you read this, I'll already be gone...( yes I'm singing gone gone gone in my head. Yes you know me that well.. :') )

Frankly speaking, I could write about an artichoke and a toilet brush, but you'll still read it. You want to know how I know that? Because I know you love me too much . too much for my liking and too much for your own good.

I feel it in your good morning; feathery kisses, your I missed you all day; makeout session, the way you hold my hand over your heart, the way your heart beats a little faster when I lay my head on your chest.

I love you sweetheart, so much.. Shit. I promised myself, I wouldn't get tears on the damn paper, watcha gonna do tho..

I spoke to the doc today, and now its 5 in the morning, and here I am freezing to death in our balcony. Why you ask? Because I'm a coward.. The worst kind.

But after the next few hours, imma be strong. For the both of us. This is my moment of weakness, this is my fear, this is my thinking and this, is me.

You are going to miss me like hell. I don't know what's going to happen. But after this mini melt down, I'm going to be back to normal.. Right now, I'm scared to death (I know its not the time, but look at my pun)

Till death parts us, right? I guess we are testing that theory a little to early for my liking. Don't worry, when i stop breathing, I'll haunt you to the ends of the earth.. In a creepy stalker way surely. Because I'm not ready to put you on the market just yet...

Now for that awkward future girlfriend part... It's okay, I have made my peace with it. But I know you, Jimjam. I know you a little too well. I'm afraid to let your heart go. I'm afraid I've broken it and now i am giving you back the pieces.

I want you to promise me that you will learn to love again.. learn to see the beauty in the world like you did with me.. live like you do now. You are my huge 6ft ball of energy.. dont change. Ever. If you do, I'll come down there and spank your ass to china. not even kidding

Tell her about me, okay? tell her about the goof that i was and laugh with her. Tell her she has my blessing. And tell her that no ghosts shall haunt her..... Yet.

I love you sweetheart. That love has broken me and put me back together, better than before.

I can imagine you shaking your head while reading this as a stray tear drips from your cheek. I'm sorry I'm not there to wipe it off this time.

I broke my promise, I left you baby, and I can never forgive myself. but on the bright side, no more annoying Gossip Girl and Buffy the vampire slayer marathons..

For the next two days, im leaving you clueless about this.... you'll see why.

For the next two days, let me memorize that smile of yours, that carefree laugh, that cheeky grin right before you kiss the living daylights out of me, that small dimple on the left side of your cheek, the sound of your light snores that often send me back to nostalgia. then its goodbye for real.

i love you baby... I love you so much.. and trust me when i say this, wherever i am, im missing you. Now to make up, I'm gonna go and surprise you in bed.. Its wake up time.. Besides I miss you

-All my love,

Lydia

please comment and tell me what you feel

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