Anathema

Rumours.//Friends!

At the very end of March Austin broke up with me. All because of a rumour.

My relationship with Austin was going much better than the first time we tried to date. He was very understanding when I told him to stop touching me or when I told him it was okay to touch me.

But out of seemingly nowhere a rumour had started. Someone told someone who told someone else that I was cheating on Cameron with a girl from another school. I like both boys and girls, Austin knew that and I thought he trusted me. I guess his trust was put to the test.

Usually Austin met me outside of my fifth period class and walked me to my sixth but he walked straight to his own class. Instead one of his friends, Angel, came up to me. She asked right away, "What's going on between you and Austin?" I didn't know what she was talking about, "Um, as far as I know, nothing's wrong." She raised an eyebrow and said, "Well you might want to talk to him."

I became quite nervous throughout my last class. The thought of Austin breaking up with me really hurt. I liked him a lot, I thought I might love him. The anxiety grew within me until finally the bell rang to leave. I rushed out of the classroom and to the bus. I got to the bus before him so I saved us a seat.

When he got on the bus, he sat next to me, quiet. No "hello" no hug or kiss. Nothing. We stayed like this for a while, just silent. Before I finally said, "Are you going to talk to me at all?" He looked at me finally and said, "It's just hard. I don't know what's going on people are saying things and I don't want to believe them but I don't know, Bliss."

I was in shock, I just stared at him until finally, "What are people saying about me now?" I was getting sad, I couldn't believe another rumour about me had started. Austin was silent before quietly he said, "People are saying that you're cheating on me with a girl from SODA (School of Dreams Academy)." Soda was the "alternative" school for kids to go to.

I was in total shock that Austin might believe such a nasty rumour, I could hardly be touched by him sometimes. What made him think I could even trust another person that way. "Well do you believe it?" I asked him with pain sprinkled in my voice. I felt like I was going to cry.

He looked at me for a moment, he could tell I was upset, "I just don't know what I believe right now. People I really trust are telling me that you are and I trust you and you're telling me you aren't. There isn't proof but I don't know." I just stared blankly at the seat, I was trying so hard not to cry.

I looked at him and said, "Well if you don't trust me enough to believe I would never do that to you then just get out of the seat. If you do we are broken up, if you don't then we'll work this out." I waited for a few minutes and just when I thought he would really stay he whispered "sorry" and slid out of the seat.

It felt like my heart was actually being stabbed but they wouldn't take the knife out. They just kept twisting it inside.

Finally I let myself cry, I was the only person in the first few seats. I cried for the rest of the way home. I couldn't believe he didn't believe me. When I got home I was home alone for a while. I went to my room and lay in my bed face down.

I wanted to cut again, I really did. I didn't want to cut because we broke up, I wanted to cut because getting broken up with gave me and excuse to cut. Cutting, or any self harm for that matter, is an addiction. And that is something that not very many people understand.

But instead of cutting I pulled out the notebook I wrote in during winter break. I found a pen and started writing. I wrote down how I felt disposable and used. I wrote down how I was frustrated that no one ever seemed to believe me.

My mom came home and yelled at me because I hadn't cleaned while I was home. I just stayed silent until she started pounding on my door. I got up and opened it to have a hand collide with my cheek. I didn't cry, I just looked at her blankly. I almost wanted to thank her. When she hit me, I felt even more numb. She sighed and told me to wash dishes.

I did as I was told, and more. I cleaned the whole house just to keep my mind off of how dumb I felt. I took a shower, I let my hair dry, I plucked my eyebrows (which I hardly ever did), I painted my nails dark blue, I read a book, and finally at 3 a.m I fell asleep.

I woke up at 5:30 and began a new day. I wore dark blue jeans, a Nirvana shirt and a grey sweater. As I walked to the bus stop I smoked a cigarette and listened to the Foo Fighters. The bus arrived and I tried my hardest to fall asleep on the bus and I did.

When I woke up I saw Austin sitting in the seat across from me, there were other seats but he chose that one. I sighed and looked out the window for the rest of the bus ride. We arrived at school and I squished my way into the line of other teenagers.

I walked around for a while since it wasn't cold anymore. Then I sat at a table by myself. As I read a book I checked out from the library as people passed me by, glancing my way but never stopping to chat. Until a few people sat at the table with me.

I looked up and pulled out one headphone. I was a little shocked to see who was sitting in front of me. Monica and Vanessa and some of their friends were sitting around me.

Monica started off, "Um hey Bliss. We've..well we've missed you." It felt like my heart got too big for my chest, I smiled. "You have no idea how much I've missed you guys." I just smiled at them as Vanessa chimed in, "Can we, can we be friends again? Hang out with us. Please, we miss you."

I looked at the other people who were with them, another girl named Alexis and surprisingly Tyler was among them. I looked at him as I said, "Are you sure you want me around?" This time Tyler spoke up, "I know I was a jerk and I'm really sorry, Bliss. And I let other people act like assholes to you and that was messed up. But you were one of my best friends and I do want you around." I looked at Alexis now and she began talking, "We don't know each other too well but I want you around too, I'd like to be your friend."

I smiled and said, "Okay, we're all friends then." I had never felt happier in my entire life. I had people to hang out with. It was amazing.