The Ramblings Of A Teenage Girl

7-3-16

How am I supposed to tell my parents that I'm not okay? Why can't they just notice things? Not that they'd care much anyways even if they did. So what I stopped eating, less food they need to buy, less money they have to spend. The less money they spend the less my dad would get mad... I guess that's good for me too, if he isn't mad I have no bruises to attempt to cover with makeup, and less excuses I have to make to teachers who ask about them. Yeah, maybe I should've stopped eating before, I wouldn't be so fat. No I'm not anorexic, at least I don't think I am, I'm not forcing myself to stop eating I just don't feel like eating, I don't see a need to do something that will sustain a life that isn't wanted. And besides I don't get hungry anymore
I feel like its easier for everyone to ignore the problems in life. My friends pretend I'm happy, and I don't talk about how I've started burning myself again, or how what I say are cat scratches are actually caused by me. I feel like silence just makes it less real. Now don't get me wrong I'm not the kind of person who wants to talk about my problems, I'd rather not, but I'd appreciate someone noticing that when I say I'm fine that I'm not, that when I say my eyes are red from allergies, that its actually from crying all night and morning because I know that I only have two people in my life that would care if I died, or just disappeared. I wish someone would notice and tell me that they love me and that I don't have to tell them but if I wanted to I could.
Not even my best friend says anything, she tells me she loves me and I know she does, but she doesn't care. Do I even make sense anymore?
I just sit and think a lot. About everything, from how my best friend, Sara, has the most calming smile, to how people don't like me because I'm overly aggressive, and how they'll never like me no one will....
My ex boyfriend Dominic, is the only guy who's made me feel loved and I hate myself because I just don't feel the same way. I care about him, so much, but I just don't love anyone, it always ends badly when I do... Why am I so sad that people don't like me when I know I won't be able to give them the love they deserve?