The Ramblings Of A Teenage Girl

7-7-16

I don't wear makeup just to cover up bruises and scars I use it to cover up my inner pain, the dark circles under my eyes, from staying up all night, the wrinkles on my forehead from the stress of paranoia.
Why am I meant to care when it only ever gets people hurt, or starts some kind of drama? I'm in love with a boy yes I know what I said before but it's the real thing and I just can't help how I feel about him, you don't need to know his name cause he's mine, not that it matters because he doesn't feel the same, so I guess I just want him to be mine. I'm in love with him and he doesn't want me and I have someone in love with me who I don't want. Dominic.... I do love him and I want him in my life, but I love him so much more, and in a completely different way. I guess its carma for me not loving someone who I should. I'm stuck here wishing I was the girl he wants just as Dominic says he wishes he were him. But I understand why he doesn't want me, I mean I'm ugly and annoying and crazy, and severally mentally unstable. Yeah that's right I take responsibility for it being my fault, I know I'm not good enough, I might be crazy but I ain't stupid. It just hurts cause I got my hopes up and no I didn't just meet him, I just didn't want to tell you about him. Because now that I put in writing I can see how real it is and it just hurts so much more, but what else can I do at this point I need to tell someone how I feel with out being the annoying girl who doesn't shut up about her problems, because I hate to annoy people.
I guess it's good I'm bisexual, twice the chance to get rejected, but don't tell my dad, he's a super homophobe... I told my mom, she called me disgusting, so that was fun, and people wonder why I don't like her, cause she's "such a nice person", yeah right.
I don't understand the term homophobia, like really you aren't scared of homosexuality, being around homosexuals won't kill you, homosexuality isn't a contagious disease, it's just who you find attractive and fall in love with, and you just hate it because you're stupid, and it pisses me off, but I can't change people, so I'll just be in closet, probably forever.... Oh well right? I plan on dying alone anyways so I guess it doesn't matter.