I lay in bed thoughts rushing through my grey matter wanting to fall off into a land where i can have no fear because i'm in complete control. Sufferers of anxiety know my hell all to well it won't stop it won't ever stop nothing stops the constant fear of nothing but your own insecurities, caused by your biggest insecurity!.....what if.what if what if!....but oh no you just want attention, you are so self centered,no NO I'M FUCKING NOT!!!! i WANT help because this is a battle that can't be won its a fucking war in my head so pop some painkillers to kill the pain...but that is all in vein cause you can't mussle the hounds of self loathing, you called it self harm i called it an oasis in a never ending sandstorm. i'm weird i'm a freak because i dress in dark cloth and have my hair in my face or a hoodie always hugging me tight because the hug of my loving family and friends just don't feel the same my cold eyes are a wall to hide the pain!...i love the rain because when for some reason I can't cry even when my head is just screaming and cutting my stomach open wide at the thought of a phantom father i didn't realize was gone till i was oh wait yeah 3 didn't see his body even he was fucking cremated i can't go to a grave stone all i can do is cry as i hold onto a fading memory!..but the tears don't come..would he be proud would he love to call me his son if things had gone differently cause you know I'm so bitter and cold being left a waywerd son i call his best friend dad so yeah hey bro what if i had turned out gay hey you and mom wouldn't even want me to fucking stay!!!! and you don't get why so many times i wanted to pull the trigger and fly...i don't blame you cause it's not your fault but don't tell me to fix it with religion alot of my self hate is from that dogmatic cult's convictions.....this is my truth I'm dishing maybe now you see through my observation cause my fucking pain isn't a hallucination.
