This isn't going to be one of those tragic love story's where the girl meets a boy and gets her heart broke. No, this goes much farther than that. My entire life I had grown up with a father who was never really present for much of it. Tragic? Yea maybe but that was my life. My father he was a good one when he wanted to be but that wasn't very often. I had always known in the back of my head my parents wouldn't be together for the rest of their life's, just by be way they acted but I never thought it would hurt as much as it did when they told us they were getting a divorce. This is not what this story's about though, no this a story about a girl who finally got the dad she wanted. So, I guess in a way it is a love story about how a girl finds a guy and falls in loves. Just not the kind you hear about everyday.
Here I am 13 hurt because the life I once knew was ending. My family wasn't going to be my normal "family" anymore. Following the days of the divorce announcement big things started happening, for starters both of my older siblings had decided to move out leaving me the only kid at home, my dad was moving in with my uncle joe and the more interesting part my mom had started talking to someone new.
My first reaction to hearing this was not a good one. She had just told us she was separating from the one she said she'd spend forever with so, how could she even think about moving on. It didn't matter if he was a good guy it, it didn't matter if he did make her happy, because in that moment I thought my entire world was falling apart. Little did I know my world was going to get a whole lot better. Skip forward a few months and this is where everything gets interesting. I was at home alone as always when my mom walked in the door, she came into my room with this weird look on her face and naturally I was terrified. The last time she came into my room my "family" had stopped being a family.
"Chey I have something to tell you." Those word sent shivers down my spine like I was reliving a bad dream. I looked at her and she continued, "you know I've been talking to this guy, and I think it's time you two meet." My heart sank into my chest, this was real, this was happening she was moving on whether I wanted her to or not. Looking back now, I'm glad she moved on. Here it is the day of the meeting and all I want to do is meet this guy and go home, I had told myself I wasn't going to like him because of my dad but lets be real "my dad" wasn't much of a dad. Anyone would do better than him.
We pull up to this big White House and my heart sinks to my stomach. I guess in the back of my head I thought this was some kind of joke or at least I hoped it was. I was wrong, it was real. So we pull up in this driveway and all I could feel was hurt and anger, I didn't want to be here why was she making me do this. She turns the car off gives me one last glance and opens her door, nudging her head for me to do the same. I had two choices here be stubborn and stay in the car or meet this guy for the sake of my mom. So that's what I did, slowly I opened my car door and continued to get out. As I got out I looked up and there he was, this scrawny guy with a really weird beard and some strange tattoos. All in all he seemed like an okay guy. I watched my mom has she walked up and hugged him, a way I've never seen her hug my dad. It was in that moment I knew this was the forever kind of love everyone hopes for in their life. "Cheyenne I want you to meet Ben, Ben this is my baby girl Cheyenne." My mom proudly announced as I walked towards her and their circle of love. Hesitantly he shook my hand and I shook back. That day I found my dad, that day I found the dad id always hoped for.
Fast forward, 4 years later and I'm leaving for college. Me and Ben are now inseparable, he was my best-friend. We were like two peas in a pod, always together and always laughing. He we were 4 years later, me moving away to go live with my "father" and go to college. I didn't want to but I had to, or at least that's what I told myself to make leaving easier. But this isn't what this story's about, this story's about the day I lost my bestfriend.
Ben had never been in good shape and he had some issues dealing with drugs. He was recovering from rehab and it was hard, but never in a million years did I think it would come to this. I had just got back from visiting my mom,Ben and mackenzie and I got a call that Ben was in the ICU, he had a seizure and wasn't waking up. Naturally, I start feeling out. A million questions running through my mind. Is he gonna be okay? Is he going to make it through this? Is my mom okay? Is my little sister okay? Why couldn't this happen when I was down there? Why couldn't it happen when I could be there for everyone? None of those questions really mattered though because he woke up. A few hours after the phone call with my mom he woke up. They kept him in the hospital over night just to make sure he was gonna be okay. He went home to the next day but he was never the same after that.
It all happened so fast that sometimes it's still hard to wrap my head around. A few days later I was at work and my phone was going off the hook. Text and calls and voicemails. The constant bugging was getting on my nerves so I took it out of my pocket. The first thing I saw was a message from an old friend saying, "sorry for your lose, I love you." Sorry for my lose what was she talking about. I hadn't lost anyone or at least that's what I thought. I unlocked my phone and immediately noticed Mackenzie had called me a good 20 times and I had a bunch of messages saying the exact sense thing "I'm sorry for your lose." What lose, what did I lose? So I dialed mackenzies number and as it rang my heart started beating faster. She answered the phone and immediately I could tell something was wrong. "Hello, sis what's going on." "He's gone sis." Three little words that shook my entire world. In that moment a I could do was cry. "No, he's fine they said he was fine." "Sis he's gone." Is the only words she could form and they were the only words I needed to hear to break down. He had just got out of the hospital, they said he was fine so how could he of died. I asked myself a good 100 times before I came too. Everything from then on was kind of a blur, i remember getting off of work and going home, I remember coming home and curling up in a ball and crying for hours, i remember the phone call with my mom and grandma, how sad they sounded how hurt you could tell they were. As the night rolled around all j could think was I'm not sleeping tonight, and I was right. I had finally drifted off to sleep and immediately got woke up by "the Ben dream." The next couple of days were a blur, I packed to head to hazard to bury my bestfriend and set off. On the way there I kept thinking this was I bad dream I was going to wake up from. I was going to go to hazard and he'd be standing in the porch waiting for me. I was wrong. He wasn't there, my mom was, my grandma was and my sister was but not him. As I got out of the car my knees began to shake and my heart began to race. I was about to walk into the house he took his last breathe in. I was going to walk in and he wouldnt be there, he wouldn't jump out and scare me, he wouldn't run up and hug me. No, this time he wouldn't there. I got to the porch and immediately Mackenzie started crying. I ran to her and held her in my arms and cried with her. I've never seen her in so much pain, I've never seen her hurt so bad. I walked up and wrapped my arms around her and she collapsed into them, like she had lost all strength. As we sat there on the porch crying I couldn't stop thinking this wasn't how it was supposed to end. This isn't how this story was supposed to end. It couldn't be right, something went wrong. I needed him here we needed him here. That night I stayed with Mackenzie and held her and cried and listened to music and pretended like the next day wasn't going to happen. It did, we woke up early did our hair and makeup got dressed and went on our way to bury our dad. When we first pulled up to the funeral home all I could hear was the sound of my heart pounding in my chest. I got out of the car and slowly started walking towards the funeral home when I felt a hand slip into mine. I looked over at Mackenzie and she said to me "I'm not strong enough I can't do this." So I squeezed her hand a little tighter and we walked in together. Immediately i seen faces I didn't know and a few I did. As we walked in the door there stood BB, all dressed nice but terrifyingly scared to step foot into the visiting room where dad lay. He saw us and smiled a little, a fake one but it was a smile. "Well hey beautiful, come give me a hug." Mackenzie immediately ran into his arms, I stood there and watched as he held on to the last piece of his dad he had. "Aren't you gonna come hug me too sis." "I can't I'll cry." He looked at me with a tear in his eye and muttered these words "it's alright, I've already cried enough for the both of us." With that I walked over and hugged him, a hugged that I missed, a hug just like his dad.
"Have you seen him yet?" "No I haven't had the strength too." Being the big sister my instincts kicked in and I took him and Mackenzie by the hand and continued to walk "you don't have to I'll have enough strength for all 3 of us." As we walked I noticed people staring, everyone looked at us with such sympathy. I looked up and there she was my mom. Except in that moment my she wasn't my mom, she had bags under her eyes and she looked sick, she had tears streaming down her face and staining her checks. That's when it hit me, this is really it. My heart stopped beating right, I couldn't catch my breathe and my hands started shaking. As I got closer to her I feel apart more and i knew she could tell because she immediately grabbed me and hugged me tighter than she ever has. "Hi my girl, gosh I've missed you." The only words she could form without crying. As we sat there locked in this hug i didn't want to move, I wanted to stay paused in this moment forever. I knew I couldnt though she let go and hugged Mackenzie and BB and as a family we walked to the casket. There he lay, the very last time I would see his face. Except it wasn't him, he looked like him but it wasn't. His face so purple and his arms were covered in bruises. He looked so sad, so beating up. I reached out and put my hand on his for the very last time, and he was cold. He wasn't warm like he usually was he was ice cold. I broke down, knowing I'd never feel the warmth of his touch, knowing I would never hear his laugh, or see his smiling face, knowing I would never get one of his hugs again it was all too much. As the hours went by and the people rolled in, all I could do was stare blankly into space. I had been there about an hour or so and I had walked outside and immediately seen a familiar face I had needed right now. Standing there on the steps was, Kira. I walked over to her and hugged her and immediately the tears formed. It was like I was a water hose and could stop the the tears. I was thankful to have her here, thankful she was part of my life. We walked in and the funeral had started. As we sat there all I could think was this was really it. This is how it all ended. The funeral was over and it was time to say goodbye. The hardest part of all, as we stood up ready to walk to the casket my knees started to shake, I couldn't do it, I couldn't say bye. I slowly walked up to the casket and stared at his lifeless body and it was all too much. I had never broke so hard in my life. I had never longed for someone so bad in my life.
It's been 5 months and my heart still doesn't beat right, at times I can't catch my breathe, my hands start shaking and my throat gets all itchy when I talk about him. I spend most of my nights with tear stained cheeks and pillows. I pray that it gets easier but I'm terrified it won't. I still have dreams about him, although there more like nightmares. My heart still hurts every time I had his name. My head is filled with so many thoughts and my heart is filled with so much hate. I used to believe in fairy tales and happy ending until mine got token from me. I want to wake up one day and it not hurt, I want to wake up and be able to say I didn't have a dream or panic attack. I want to stop wanting to call him when things go wrong but I can't. I can't turn it off, I can't make it stop no matter how hard I try.
