CHAPTER ONE: DISCLAIMER/WALTER WHITE GOES TO WORK
I think I'm gonna write this somewhere in the middle of seasons 2-4, but it doesn't matter because none of this actually happens in the show so yeah.
One morning, Walter White was getting ready for work. He was in his room and he decided to put on his nice clothes today. He went into the bathroom and took a comb, as if to comb his hair, but then he remembered, he didn't have any hair. So instead he took his cancer medicine and went into the kitchen.
"Hi Honey," he said to Skylar, who didn't respond, because she's extremely annoying and resents him for how he makes a living.
"H-hh-hey dad," said his son, Walter White Jr. "By the w-w-way, mom, you b-bought the wrong cereal again."
"You spoiled crippled douche," Skylar replied, "I buy you the same type of cereal for 16 [expletive] years and ONE day I try a new type of cereal and you won't have it? Next time you complain about cereal one more time you're grounded for a week with no crutches, and I'm never feeding you food again. You want food, you ask your father, and if he gives you food then I'm gonna email some information you don't know about to your Uncle Hank and his friend Steve Gomez at the D.E.A. Let's see how your father would like that."
"I certainly wouldn't like that," said Walter Sr.
Out of the shadows came Hank Schrader, who had been sleeping in the corner of the Whites' kitchen without them knowing to stay away from his extremely annoying wife, who happens to be Skylar's sister (they had some bad genes in the annoying department).
"What information would you be sending me then, huh Sky?" said Hank.
Skylar gulped, and she looked at Walter Sr. for advice. Walt gave her a "If you tell him about my business then I'll tell him you've been laundering money for me as well as tell him you've been having an affair and abusing our newborn baby daughter with your own son's crutches" type look. Skylar replied, "Ummm, the information for your surprise birthday party we are going to have for you!"
"Oh, well that's pleasant information!" Hank exclaimed, "Now I'll be on my way to my job at the DEA." He limped out the door, got in his new Bugatti that he was borrowing from Steve Gomez, and strolled off.
Meanwhile, Walter White Sr. was pulling in to the laundromat (where he works; he does illicit activities in the basement), where he saw his partner in crime, Jesse Pinkman, smoking a cigarette outside of his red car.
"Yo homie my man my top dog Mista White what we be up to my man," Jesse said.
Walter White stroked his head with both hands sensually for a solid two minutes before he replied. "We are going to be doing what we do every day at this laundromat which you know is to work for Gustavo Fring's illegal drug empire. We are the ones that provide him with the illegal drugs."
"Oh yeah Mista White my man my homie bro that is true," Jesse said, and put out his cigarette in his arm. It stung like a [expletive], so Jesse screamed and winced at the burn.
In the laboratory, Walt and Jesse cleaned equipment and got to work. At the end of a great batch, Walt suddenly had an Idea.
"Jesse," he said, "Why don't you stay over my place for a little while? I'm sure my family would love to meet you, and you did an excellent job today on the batch."
"Sounds cash," said Jesse, and he ran outside and hopped in Walter's car. "Can I drive?" he asked.
"No," said Walter. They quickly switched seats. Throughout the car ride to Walter's house Jesse kept putting on an obnoxious rap channel through the car radio, to which Walter would turn the radio off. Walter pulled over the car so they could have a discussion about this. After a long turn of conversation (about 1 hr), they both agreed on playing the debut album by the delightful Jamaican pop sensation Sean Kingston, of whom Jesse and Walt both adored. Thankfully, Walt always kept 127 copies of his debut in the back of his car. They popped it in the CD player and cranked it at full volume until they got back to the White household.
"Seaaaaaaan Kingstonnnnnn! Wat a qwaaaaaan wat a qwaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" Sean Kingston exploded through Walt's speakers, saying his own name to alert radio listeners that he is on air at the beginning of every single one of his songs.
"Oh, oh oh oh, oh, ohhhhhh, why'd you have to go-oh, away from home, me love?" Walt and Jesse loudly sang along to Sean Kingston's almost Parody of the classic Led Zeppelin song "D'yer Ma'ker." (Sean Kingston's version of the song is called "Me Love" and there's no reason for its existence. This is a real song, look it up. It has like 15 million views on YouTube.)
When Walt and Jesse pulled into the driveway, Walter Jr. was outside being a peeping tom to the neighbors when he heard the music.
"H-h-hey dad!" he said, "You rockin' out to some Kingston? Can I join?"
"No," said Walter Sr., "You stutter too much. You could never keep up with Sean's speedily busted rhymes." Jesse looked at Walter White Jr.
"Yo Mista White, who's this dude?" Jesse asked.
"He's my son, Walter White," said Walter White. "I named him after me."
