I was 7 years old when I learned what the word suicide was. Up until that point I hadn't realized it was even word. You see everyone I knew was happy and smiling all the time. Or at least that's what I thought. My uncle josh had a lot of mental problems that I didn't understand he suffered from bipolar disorder. I didn't know what that was at the time or how much it truly affected him until that day.
That day started off like any normal weekend, we woke up and ate breakfast and say on the couch to watch t.v. That's when my mom got a phone call. She answered but then quickly walked out of the room. Weird? Maybe just a little but I didn't think anything of it. As she walked back in the room I noticed her facial expression had changed. She wasn't really happy anymore, I couldn't tell what she was actually. "Come on kids your going to Debbie's I've got to go somewhere." Debbie was our next door neighbor, she watched us a lot when our parents went out. This day was different through, everyone seemed nicer for some reason. We got on our shoes and walked over to Debbie's, she opened the door with a smile and hugged me and my siblings. Well that was strange i thought, she never hugs us. I watched as my mom pulled out of the driveway faster than normal and I watch the car disappear around the corner. A few hours had gone by and mom returned Except this time tears stained her face. I looked at my mom as she walked up to us not knowing what was going on. She took a deep breath, stared at us for a few minutes then out came the words I never wanted to hear "your uncle josh died." My heart sank to my feet as I stood there frozen from the words my mom had just spoken. Dead, but how? I had seen him the night before, he was in his apartment, he was fine. My mom hugged us and told us to get in the car. As we drive to what I was assuming was uncle Josh's apartment I stared up at the clouds and sank into a memory...
"Ohh uncle josh look at that one it looks like a chicken." I screamed with excitement as we lay there staring at he clouds
"I was going to say it looked like a marshmallow but a chicken works too." He said with a little chuckle in his voice.
Uncle Josh's apartment was my favorite place to be, me and faith used to go and spend hours playing with uncle josh. Whether it was cloud watching, barbie's or movies I was always laughing and smiling. In uncle Josh's apartment there were no worries in the world.
A horn honked and I was back to reality. As we pulled up to the apartment complex I got knots in my stomach and my throat started to burn. Mom stopped and we got out of the car. The first thing I seen was all of my family standing around in a little group but they all looked lost. Like they didn't know where to go from here. My dad saw us and gave us kind of a half smile and walked over to us.
"Hi daddy." I shouted as I ran into his arms. "Hi my girl." He hugged me tighter than he ever did before almost like he didn't want to let go. I looked up and looked around and saw everyone crying, staring at the door. I knew what was behind that door and I didn't know if I was ready for it. My dad took my hand and w we started to walk, all I could hear was the landing of my heart in my chest, my hands got sweaty and tears starters forming. We got to the door and as dad slowly pushed it open reality hit and there he was. My uncle josh lifeless and dead on the floor. He was purple and his face was all swollen, his eyes were opened which kind of freaked me out and he was just laying there. That's when I noticed the rope, "hey dad what's that for." I asked slightly confused. "That's what uncle josh killed himself with." Killed himself, none had told me he killed himself. Why? Why did he want to end his life, wasn't he happy? He had kids that adored him and a family that loves him, he had to be happy. Turns out I was wrong.
Fast forward 9 years and here we are. I know get the concept of suicide only because I've thought about it once or twice. Thought about how easy it would be to just let go. To just stop my heart from beating, my lungs from breathing, my body from shaking. I know what it's like to pick up a razor and slice it across your skin to distract yourself from the pain. I know what it's like to fill up a bathtub, jump in and slowly sink to the bottom praying you won't get back up. I know what it's like to be lost and confused and feel like that our only escape. I know how it feels to have your mind consumed with such terrible thoughts that night and day you pray for it to stop.
But, I also know something else now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is always a better way. I know now, that everyone struggles and everyone falls, I know that I'm a fighter and I have a lot more strength in me than I thought,You are never alone. I know for the longest time I fought this battle alone and then I meet my bestfriend and she saved my life. She may not realize it but she did.
At the age of 7 , I learned what suicide was, it wasn't until I was 14 till I fully understood what it meant.
