Clear Blue Sky

I walked quietly away to an empty room and stood in a corner, hidden. I leaned against the wall and looked at the ceiling, hoping for the answers that obviously didn’t come. I felt the tears threatening to fall and slung my arm over my eyes, unsuccessfully trying to hide my tears. But hide from what? From who? No one is comin- no. Stop it. Don't think. Just cry. I cried silently for a moment, but soon, I couldn’t silence it any longer. I slid down, hugging my knees and crying softly, letting my tears soak my pants.

The dark thoughts came like they usually do…the self-pity came like it usually does…the tired eyes came like they usually do…the throbbing headache came like it usually does…and of course, no one came…but this is all 'the usual', is it not?

I wipe my tears as I sigh and lay on my side, on the floor, and pick at the tiles…I’m so tired of crying…

My mind flooded with thoughts…thoughts I didn’t want. Thoughts that keep destroying me and breaking me and erasing me little by little.

It’s so cloudy in here…in my head. I’m so confused with my life…there’s always a constant storm that brings that annoying pain…I think I’m going crazy…It’s raining…there’s too many of “me” that I don’t know which one is really me…these clouds are suffocating me…My thoughts are storming clouds, undeniably dark and impossibly heavy. I wish they were the light, fluffy, happy ones…but I guess I’m always wanting what I can’t have, huh? 

I looked out the window, and whispered… “There’s a Clear Blue Sky today…” And the sky looked back at me and mocked me. No clouds were even better than white clouds because there was nothing to cloud you, no thoughts whatsoever. To most, it was refreshing. But me? I hate clear blue skies. I hate them. I scowled at it; it was mocking me, taunting me as I glared at it jealously. Because both the sky and I know that my mind will always have storms…always be cloudy…and there will Never. Be. A. Day. With. Clear Blue Skies.

“Heeeeeeeeeey~! You up there?” someone calls. Tch. I walk out, plastering my best smile on my face.

“Er, you okay? Your eyes are kinda red…”

“Yup! I stayed up really late last night, so I was gonna take a nap~” I smile and giggle like an idiot.

“Pfft, haha! You really are such a dork! Sleep earlier though okay?” She looks at me with genuine worry, believing every lie I said.

“Sure…after a few hours of surfing the Internet!” On the outside, you see a kid with a mischievous smile, but internally, I sigh. Of course. This “idiot kid” is the “me” they will always know, the one they will always remember. This fake, annoying, stupid idiot is whom they know and love, and I don’t want to lose that love, even if it isn’t towards me…

So I will stuff these dark and heavy clouds into already full tiny jars. I will put these clouds in there and let them fester and multiply. They’ll grow more and more…stronger and stronger…waiting for the moment the jar shatters…but I have to endure. I have to throw it all away..I have to make one. No matter how fake…how artificial…I have to make…a

ClearBlueSky.       

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It hurts so much every time she tells me...every time I see her...and every time, no one notices. She calls them "friends", and she throws away everything she has, everything she is, for these so-called friends. When I see her friends, I think, “They don’t deserve her. They don’t see how much she does, how much she hurts for them. They don’t see the pain in her eyes…they don’t hear the pain in her voice…they can’t tell the pain in her actions…” But then again, it’s her fault too. Her fault for throwing it all away. Her fault for succumbing to those thoughts. Her fault for choosing those “friends”. Her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her fault her faul-

I hope you enjoy this Insignificant piece. Have a nice, or not so nice day. Your choice.