What Would REALLY Happen in a Lumione Fic

Part one

Narrator (Snape in the afterlife): It had been a good year for Hermione Granger. She recently acquired a job at the Ministry of Magic and married Ronald Weasley. All was well for her. For Lucius Malfoy, it hadn't been a great year. He had been convicted of several war crimes and sentenced to life in Azkaban.

Lucius: This is madness! I will give you one million galleons if you let me out!

Guard: Madness? THIS IS AZKABAN! And no I will not take your bribe. Isn't your family broke anyway?

Lucius: *Lucius being salty*

Snape: Later that night...

Nightguard: *sleeping*

Lucius: (whispering) Now's my chance to escape. *grabs guard's wand and reverses locking magic* *smirks* That was easier than I thought.

Snape: The next morning...

Hermione: *reading the daily prophet* (front page says "Death eater Lucius Malfoy escapes Azkaban") Oh no!

Ron: *eating toast* *talks with mouth full* What?

Hermione: First of all, Ronald, swallow before talking. Secondly- Just look for yourself. *hands him the newspaper*

Ron: Bloody hell! They've got to be kidding! *looks at newspaper* Lucius Malfoy?! Escaped?!

Hermione: Well, they don't seem to be kidding.

Ron: I bet this is going to be all they'll talk about at work...

Hermione: I think people are going to talk about this everywhere.

Ron: Well, a death eater escaping Azkaban is a big deal.

Hermione: No kidding.

Snape: Meanwhile...

Lucius: I am a loser with no life who is an escaped convict and also I might be going through a midlife crisis. Will you help me?

Draco: .... Dad. You are supposed to be in prison.

Lucius: I know. So will you be a good Draco and help hide me from the aurors?

Draco: Okay, fine. Just sit down and try not to get yourself noticed.

Lucius: Alright, son. Good to see that many years away from me haven't changed your attitude at all!

Draco: I'll get you a drink. *runs into pantry* Okay..... Where's the sleeping potions..... *quickly scribbles note and gives it to a nearby owl* Here it is! *grabs the bottle next to the sleeping potions*

Lucius: Hurry up!

Draco: *muttering* Whatever, Dad. *adds the potion to a drink* *gives it to Lucius*

Lucius: *drinks the contaminated drink* *falls on his face on the table*

Hermione: THIS IS THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC!!! YOU ARE AN ESCAPED CONVICT FROM AZKABAN!!!! *throws open door*

Lucius: *looks up* *falls in love* Oh Hermione, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine! To what, my love, shall I compare your eye? Crystal is muddy, how ripe in show, your lips, your kissing cherries grow! When you hold up your hand, let me kiss this princess of pure white, this seal of bliss!

Hermione: WHAT DID YOU DO, MALFOY!??!?!!

Draco: I-I swear on my life, I thought that was a sleeping potion! I'm so sorry! That wasn't my fault!

Lucius: Hermione, I have never loved anyone more than you!

Hermione: Get away from me, you sick old man! I'm half your age, and more importantly, I'm married!

Lucius: Well, I will cherish you more than this silly husband of yours ever will!

Hermione: I doubt that! STUPEFY!! *stupefies him* Malfoy, help me take him back to the Ministry.

Draco: Since when was this part of your job?

Hermione: The Auror department was all out. The Ministry thought I would be good for the job, since, you know, the Battle of Hogwarts and everything.

Draco: Oh. I guess that makes sense.

Hermione: So... I should probably be going.

Draco: Yeah. Yeah, right.

Hermione: But... Thank you, I guess, even though you did kind of make everything worse.

Draco: It'll wear off, don't worry. And, you're welcome, Mu- Gra- Hermione.

Hermione: Nice to see you're learning... Draco.

Draco: Bye.

Hermione: Bye. *leaves Malfoy Manor*

Draco: I hope this mess with Dad gets cleaned up quickly...