You came back. Would you have ever done so if we hadn't found you? What you desire, I fail to acknowledge, whether it be a family or a family. It shouldn't be a choice, you should be free to have the two by your side. Hours of shouting, praying it'd be resolved before one of us stormed out of aggravation and frustration as to why. Why you'd left, and why we were not told even implicitly. I understand you want to start a new life, but is this the way to have done it? You offer me advice, telling me so passionately 'Tell people the things you've done after you've done them, that way you're stripped of judgement and presumption, and you'll have nothing whatsoever holding you back.' But what about if people holding me back is what I really require? I'd rather my friends prevent the exposure to my mistakes than live in solitary making irrational and irresponsible decisions of my own, I hate to say it, just as how you have done.
I respect you, I always have, I always will and that cannot be refuted but how you've left us, shattered, incomplete and without so much of an explanation, is the one downfall in my admiration to you. I'm aware of the tribulations throughout your life, the endless pressure and the persistent 'Why are you trying when you know you'll fail?' and you've proven to exceed expectations countless times with the failure of praise or recognition consequenting. The way you'd built yourself from a broken and deprived soul and the independence you've acquired is astounding, and it's unbelievable how you've done so - so for that, you've done nothing but be a respectable figure in my life.
It frightens me the way our parents talk, ignorant views and opinions as such, but also the fluctuation in their tone and their verbalisation. On one hand, they're accepting of you marrying into a different race, on the other they're ridiculing you saying what a reckless and detrimental decision you've made and how you'll never amount to anything in life. Yes, because succession in our existence is only when money is obtained, regardless of whether it's labour that is comparable to the extent of slavery or whether it is ascribed. Is it because they care about you? Do they seem to care about any of us?
We all know yet we fail to recognise that our family is built on a foundation of fabricated love and greed for paper, we cannot strive to be dependent on one another because all it leads to is arguments and tension and the independence we are all building for ourselves is in actuality, isolation and loneliness.
A dear friend of mine once joked that I'd be able to eventually discover freedom with romance after 'I run away from home at 17' when he'd advised to never participate in a relationship where there was not a certainty of acceptance. And that's what hurts. You've been in a relationship with her for about 8 years, and you've never mentioned her, not even once, because you were knowledgeable of the fact that they'd react in such a way you'd want to contemplate suicide. And that's one thing I appreciate. You opening their minds to different cultures and different traditions, but nonetheless, that does not mean I will ever be permitted to do the same, as expected, because 'I am a girl', I should be petrified as to what would happen to be if I ever did try such a thing as you.
I will never fail to trust you, because even if you fuck up, you don't fail to reflect on it, and I am certain, even if you have left this household, you will never abandon me. I thank you for all the words of advice, and all the words of empathy, and the words of rationality, although we have never been so intimate, I thank you. By saying goodbye to one 'home', and welcoming another, I sincerely wish you all the best.
