Esoteric // h.s

cinque

drugs - eden

*********
I'm moving around my room recklessly in the dark, hands still shaking and chest still heaving. The nightmares were worse than usual. My head was throbbing and I needed a cigarette badly.

"Fuck."

I start moving things around in my bag aimlessly to find my cigarettes. As things start falling out my bag I continue to scavenge for them. Frustrated I toss the bag across the room. Books fly out the bag including a tough leather journal, open to a random page.

I know it's his journal. I don't want to look but I can't help the temptation. God I know it'll just bring a new wave of pain, but I'm a masochist in a sense.

Dropping to ground I pick up the journal and read the page it opened too, drinking in the words slowly.

January 20th
2:45 am

I cannot sleep. My mind is flowing with Althea.
Althea. My one true love. Usually I wouldn't feel so strongly about someone I've only known for a couple months but I cannot help but think about her every second. My love for her makes me dizzy. And for once I can ignore the agony I hold inside from the tormenting of my classmates. She always defends me. They tend not to bully me when she is around, not because of respect but because they are gawking at her instead. But I cannot be angry. I cannot blame then. Althea is so beautiful, an exquisite creature. People always ask me how she is mine. I wonder that myself. She is selfless, outgoing, kind, and so so happy. She says I make her that way. I disagree. God has given me an angel. Her smile makes my heart swells thousand times. My mother always told me love was selfish and painful.
I never understood until now. There are many many people in school that are in love with Althea but will never make a move because we are together. She could do so much better. And it brings me pain to feel like I am holding her back but like I said, love is selfish. I cannot let go. And for some small reason this amazing talented human being adores me and loves me for more than I am worth. She treats me so well, and I never feel like a burden with her like I do with so many others. She snatches my insecurities from under me and replaces them with love and affection. I've never felt so comfortable. I love her with everything I have. I hope to have many more years with her. 8 months is not enough. So I hold on to her love and let it wash over me like the sun.

J.A.

There are tears running down my face. If I ever forget how much he loved me I could just read this. This writing from a boy I miss dearly. The boy I'd give anything to get back.

I slide down the wall, bringing my knees up to me chest. Holding the book like its my lifeline I read it again, and again, and again.

I can't stop sobbing. The tears and pouring and pouring and I don't think I can handle this. It's so hard. I'm a fucking mess. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't do anything.

I'm filled with anxiety and sadness and utter loneliness. Is this what Jonah felt. The thought alone makes me break down harder. Book clutched to my chest.

I close my eyes and stay where I am. And hope. Pray that I dream of happy things. Of Jonah. My one true love. My one and only.

***
"Baby, are you home!?" I hear yelling from downstairs, Jonah's set of keys I gave him jingling on the counter. I can't help but smile before hopping off my bed and sprinting down the stairs to my love.

I stayed home today since I was sick, Jonah swearing up and down he would be fine alone at school.  I hated when they bullied him when I wasn't around so I tried to be there all the time.

"Jonah!" A smile is plastered on his face as I run over to him, wrapping my legs around his waist. I nuzzle into his neck, while he rubs my back and sighs happily.

I pull back and he goes in for a kiss but I pull away, making him pout. I pout in return and he giggles.

"You cant kiss me I'm sick Jonah" I exclaim, putting both hands on his cheeks.

"Baby does it look like I care?"

Before I can reply his lips are on mine and I can't help but melt in to him. I loved kissing him. He was just so.... irresistible. I couldn't believe he was mine.

Still kissing he sits me on the counter and pulls away, before pecking me again quickly.

"Im going to cook dinner. Can I stay the night?" he asks while he pulls stuff out of my fridge and cabinet.

"Nope" I say quickly making him turn around and look at me. He gives me a sad look and even though I'm just playing with him, my heart drops in my stomach.

"I'm just kidding" I say with a giggle as I stare at him. He walks over and puts the things in his hands down before pulling me to him.

"That's not funny" he says with a pout and I just giggle before kissing him lightly.

Before I can stop him his fingers reach for my waist, tickling me relentlessly.

"Hahahahahah JONAH.. STOP" I scream as he tickles me and places little kisses on my neck and all over my face.

After five minutes of punishment he stops and I can't help but glare at him. I push him but he grabs both my hands and traps them to my chest. Before I can speak his lips are on mine and I'm completely lost in him.

He pulls away, our foreheads placed on each other and our breathing is heavy. And I'm sitting here and I'm thinking, I want to spend the rest of my life with Jonah. I love him so much it scares me. He's all I ever think about.

"I love you" Jonah says lightly brushing some hair behind me ear.

My heart is heavy and so full with love for this boy.

"I love you."

And it was that moment that I knew that I wanted to do everything with him. And if I ever lost him I don't think I could bear the pain.

****
I shoot up from my sleep, still on the floor. My heart is tight and a strangled sob leaves my mouth. God I miss him so much and I swear it gets harder everyday. Until it's time to get ready for school I sit there, and cry. Like I do everyday.

**********************

Poor baby. The pain is too much for her.

Long time no see btw, sorry this is so long overdue. Been so busy and distracted 💓

So much love for you guys 👼🏽