Life Without Regrets

Prologue: I Regret It

     I regret it.  Every single mistake I made.  Every wrong turn I took.  I regret it all and there's nothing I can do about it.  What's it like to not regret your decisions?  How can I rewind time and do the right thing?  How can I get my life back on track, back to the way it used to be?  Regret, it's such a treacherous word.  Brings back bad memories, memories I wish I'd forget about.  I wish I could forget about everything.  I wish, I wish, I wish, but I can't anything about it.  I've taken the wrong step at the wrong time.  I've been falling ever since.  Down down down.  It's a black hole with no bottom.  I just keep spiraling down this hole until I draw my very last breath and there's nothing I can do about it.

   Where did I go wrong?  Where did I make the wrong move?  Is there anything I can do to fix this?  There are so many questions I'd like to ask, but no one will answer.  There's no end to the questions that flood into my head, overwhelming me with anxiety.  This feeling is unmistakable.  The feeling like you're drowning in your own thoughts.  It consumes everything else I feel.  It's dangerous, so very dangerous.  I have to stay away, but with every mistake I make, the more it becomes unavoidable.  I have to stay away before it's too late.  But what do I do?  What can I do?  I've never done anything right.  Never once in my life have I ever made the right choice for myself.  It's like God has forsaken me with this horrible fate that I must suffer through.

   Anxiety, it's such a strange word.  It has so many meanings, yet all these feelings can be summed up into one word.  That word is anxiety.  I don't understand this language anymore.  The meaning of everything confuses me.  Doing the right thing confuses me.  I don't understand anything anymore.  I'm lost in this world of confusion, only to find that there is no way out.  There are no doors, no windows, nothing.  It's just a room of darkness that chills me.  My life has caused me nothing but pain and suffering.  Every wrong turn I make comes the consequences I can't even begin to apprehend.  They weigh down on my shoulders, causing me to hunch my back like an old woman.  Nothing will ever be the same.

   What is the meaning of life?  Is it to bring you happiness and success?  Or does it bring you the endless pain and regret?  I've always questioned the meaning of my life.  Am I do to good?  Or to do bad?  And it seems like every time I ask this question, the devil comes and sweeps me up into its arms and carries me away from the light.  I'm struggling, suffocating underneath the water.  I'm flailing my limbs, only to find them caught by dread and the more I struggle, the more they drag me down.  I need to break free before it's too late.  I need to break through the surface and breathe again.  I've always wondered if I'm already too far gone from luck.  How close to misfortune am I?  Have I already crossed the line of 'bad luck'?

   I keep walking, just keep on walking.  I'll see where this road takes me.  Hoping that it takes me into the light.  I'm walking down a road that leads downhill, but I just have to believe that I will ascend once again.  I must do the right thing.  But how?  I've never done anything right.  What even is the meaning of 'right'?  How do you even do the right thing?  Is there a way to reverse fate?  I'll just have to keep walking.  I'll just have to keep searching.  Looking closely for each clue that takes me back into the right path.  Even if it takes me eternity, I will always keep my eyes and ears open.  I, Violet Takashi, will never give up on this hope, even if it takes away my very last breath of life.