Remarks in italics are from 19/11/2013 - over 3 and a half years later. Much has changed but a lot is still the same, but hey that's just me and the way I am.
This isn’t happening; it can’t be, not again. Fuck it, someone told me to write about it so I am [Blake why did you make me write this? I was fine not needing this on my computer, finding it years later and realising things haven't even changed that much wasn't such a good thing as you thought]. Though to be honest whoever sees this is going to think I’m fucking mental but who cares? I’m writing it, it’s my life and if someone sees it then I’m not going to lie and say it isn’t about me, like I have done before. There are a million different things I could write about but I guess I should pick the main ones, start at the beginning and then go from there or something. Argh I don’t know I’ll just write and see where it takes me. Oh I said I wasn’t going to do a memory share? Well I am now.
Cutting + death;
I started cutting when I was 9. That seems really fucked up now that I come to think about it, I mean I can’t really imagine anyone else doing it when they were 9 but when you are getting bullied everyday 24/7 and being told to go die in various different ways then I think I can let myself off for it. I guess it's safe to say this has changed, because you know I don't venture outside unless it's really important so I don't give anyone the chance to bully me and they haven't found me online just yet so I'm safe for now.
5 years ago I was on an up cycle and everything was good and nothing bad was happening, other than the usual bullying but I had grown used to it. Then a really good friend died and everything stopped, I stopped socialising and stayed home all the time, the bullying got worse because of me not talking to many people and even though I hadn’t cut in a while I found myself doing it again like 3 or 4 times a week, it never exceeded that. This has stopped, despite how bad i've felt in the past year, only once have I relapsed and that was only a little scratch on my shoulder that is now there to serve me as a reminder not to do it anymore. If i relapse again NOONE will forgive me
And then the death’s started. In the past 5 years, 10 people I knew and loved have died in various ways and in my mind I still feel like I could have saved them and stopped them, which in about 5 of the cases is true but I did nothing, I stood by and watched as I lost them one by one. This has really fucked my head up and I feel like I’m better of dying because then I’ll be with them and it will compensate for me not saving them. No new deaths but despair still holds, i'm getting over it slowly but shortly.
Now I laugh like a maniac when I see blood dripping down my wrist from a cut, I should have learnt my lesson when Nate was hospitalised then later died from self harm but ah well, I could have stopped him but I didn’t. It took me a while but i've learnt my lesson, blood no longer interests me, i'm no longer that crazy person...well mostly
Paranoia;
I don’t know when this started. As far back as I remember I’ve thought that people are talking behind my back about me and taking the piss out of what I do and see, in most cases this is true. It’s not very nice when you see someone you used to be really good friends with talking to someone they are with then looking at you and grinning like a maniac, it makes me think they are talking about me and it just makes me worse. I can live with this though, always have done and always will do. This is still true but everyone feels paranoia at some point in their lives, this won't go away.
Everything past this point [up until the ]]] is null and void, read if you want but it means nothing now, it stopped 2 years ago and I don't think it's coming back.
[[[Not sure what to call this one but read it anyways;
Schizophrenia is a severe mental disorder characterized by delusions, hallucinations, incoherence and physical agitation; it is classified as a "thought" disorder while Bipolar Disorder is a "mood" disorder.
Hmm I’m not stupid, I know that’s what’s wrong with me, I just don’t want to go to some stupid doctor and have it verified. It was bad enough going and talking about depression, being severely depressed is really not fun. Though my mum still doesn’t know about that trip to the doctors, noone does to be honest but yeah back to this subject. Everyone thinks I’m imagining this but I can’t be when everything fits perfectly into it.
Delusions; there are many different types but Delusion of guilt or sin (or delusion of self-accusation): This is a false feeling of remorse or guilt of delusional intensity. A person may, for example, believe he has committed some horrible crime and should be punished severely. Another example is a person who is convinced he is responsible for some disaster (such as fire, flood, or earthquake) with which there can be no possible connection, Delusion of mind being read: The false belief that other people can know one's thoughts. This is different from thought broadcasting in that the person does not believe their thoughts are heard a loud. Are the 2 that I guess apply to me, I firmly believe the first one and it’s the main reason I cut (other than being bullied) because I believe that I’ve caused pain to people and need to give myself that pain and the second one is just another form of Paranoia.
Hallucinations; well to be honest I haven’t had any hallucinations in about a year. I zone out yeah but I never imagine anything when I do, everything just goes black for a while. I sometimes hear things that haven’t been said though and I think that comes under it as an auditory hallucination but I’m not too sure.
Incoherence and physical agitation; that’s simple, I get agitated when in a big crowd and start to scratch/bite myself, move around or draw on myself. ]]]
I’m not even going to go into Bipolar since everyone knows about my mood swings and shit and if you don’t know the main definition for it then Google it because I don’t want to get into it because I’ll go on for ages. But it relates to me so I mentioned it, it isn’t bad but it hasn’t gone away either, at this rate I’m going to end up pushing away everyone I love due to my moods and I hate it. Mood swings are still here, they will never go. I'm a female it's stereotypical but it's to be expected. I might take it out on those I love the most but there is nothing I can do. I might reject human contact MOST of the time but actually it's what is keeping me sane at the moment so if I try to push someone away it's for their own good.
I don’t think there’s much more I can say other than the fact that I don’t trust or love people easily and when I do it’s hard to stop. Okay I’m done; if you think I’m more fucked up then you did before then good on you, I couldn’t care less, think what you like.
This is just me.
