One to Another - quiet, kind & special people

Part 48 - Finn

Rae pulls out of our embrace. We are silent. At least I know Rae doesn't want me to leave.

"Rae we ok?" I had to ask. I needed to know, I needed to hear it from her.

"We will be" she offers. Hardly comforting but certainly promising. "Finn?"

"Yeah Rae."

"Can we not talk about this anymore today?"

"I think we should. It is obvious you are upset with me Rae. Like more than just about today, yeah?" seeking confirmation while also hoping I have somehow got it wrong.

"Yeah I am, well kind of. I mean I know I have no right to be angry about you having a past. I just can't help but be jealous. It hurts but. I wish it didn't, but it does."

I see the blend of confusion and sorrow. I know I am responsible. Who I am. What I was. Who I revert to ends up hurting Rae. I fucking hate it. In this moment I hate me.

"Rae, I am sorry. You didn't want me, you made that clear. That is the only reason since meeting you I was with anyone other than you. I only wanted you" I desparately try and explain.

"I know. I know I am to blame."

"Girl" I say taking her in my arms. Holding Rae tight. I kiss her with all that I have. Rae is resisting me. Her hands on my chest trying to push away from me and she isn't kissing me back. I am so confused.

"Stop Finn Please!" I stop confused by Rae's request. "Us going to bed won't fix this Finn. We both know that."

"I know but I just need to be close to you. I need to know you are here with me."

"I am here, but I can't. Not right now. My head is still trying to figure out all this. I'm processing this morning, what we did. We were stupid."

"I know. I know. We got carried away. I have never done that before. I am freaking out, but only because I know you are."

"Of course I am. I can't be a mum. Look at me?"

"You would be fine. I'd be there, you wouldn't be alone. I do understand freaking out, but part of me..."

"Part of you what?"

"Can't wait until we can have kids" I admit not thinking before I spoke.

"You what?" she says obviously confused.

"I have probably freaked you out now, haven't I?"

"A little." At least she is honest. "Do you think about a future for you and I Finn?" she queries a little confused.

I answer immediately "of course I do. Don't you?"

"Finn. I barely can wrap my head around the last couple of weeks... You know I don't want to think of you not being in my life, but a future? I have been focussed on the now."

I look down and then away. I can't believe I have told her I want us to have kids. Have I lost my mind. I notice she is fumbling with her hands and trying desperately not to get up and walk away. I place my hand on hers. "Rae Rae, look at me" I plead trying to break her trance. She looks up shakes her head a bit. She looks dazed and confused. "Don't fixate on me jumping so far ahead please" I beg.

Rae hasn't said anything more. She is sitting silently. I pick myself up and I walk towards the back glass sliding door. I rest my head against the glass and close my eyes tightly. I pray that when my eyes are open this is just a nightmare. Before I can open my eyes I feel a hand on my back. I can feel soft lips on my neck. Is this a dream?

Nightmare to dream. My hand reaches back to Rae's head which is teasing my neck.

"Rae, please"