The Woman with a Million Hearts

First kiss under the floodlight

I kissed Derek beneath the floodlight in front of the house. The light in our faces didn't matter, just our tongues. I loved him so much then. I thought I loved him so much.

His tongue wrapped around mine, lips stuck together. We didn't let go, no words. Just a kiss that seemed endless.

Nothing could change us. Nothing could separate us, not even the garage door opening. Not even my father coming out and catching us in the middle of a tongue twister. I liked the risk of being caught, though, the thought of thinking about getting caught.

Derek didn't pull away—only to look at me, only to hold my face in his palms. He loved the point of my chin, the dimple in my left cheek and my two beauty marks on the side of my cheek. I loved his brown eyes, a mix of dirt and sky. I closed my eyes. A tall tree grew out of those eyes and its branches wrapped around me and pulled me closer.

I love you, I whispered between kisses. Just the sound of breath, of lungs letting go the sound of life. The kiss lingered, lasted even after the floodlight went off above us. The bugs started picking at our skin, pricking us with their long beaks and stingers. I didn't even realize they were there, just the kiss. The kiss remained, the lips, the teeth tucked away inside the mouth.

The floodlight stayed magical in my mind. It was an iceberg in the middle of the suburban street, or a flower on a roof. I felt like a window opening, a star jumping out of the black sky, a rebel star.

Derek looked at me with those brown eyes, those muddy eyes, I love you, Loren Kleinman. You're a star, and I want you.

You can have a taste, I said and bit my bottom lip. I can't give you everything. I smiled. Derek smiled and dipped his face into mine again, and under the total blackness, against the summer heat and the cicada buzz, we continued to kiss as if we never spoke of anything, as if nothing and everything already happened.

Love. Love. Love. Three knots in my stomach.