sleep tight derek

"Tragedy.
Without it, life would be boring.
We wouldn't know the difference between happy and sad times.
Then again there would be no death,
no massacre,
no sickness,
no pain.
Nothing.
We wouldn't feel a thing.
We wouldn't even feel happy.
We wouldn't have bad times to even out the good.
But to sum it up. 
Tragedy sucks ass.
There's no better way to put it.
But I guess it makes the sweet times sweeter.
But all for what.
Happiness is a state of mind.
But humans seem to get high off of the temporary feeling.
If you ask me,
it's not worth the risk.
The risk of being let down because my expectations are too high.
The risk of being hurt because of rejection.
So ask yourself;
is it really worth it?
~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~
Hi, I'm Derek. I'm a loser. I have literally no friends. I'm in love with my neighbor, Aubrey. She is the most beautiful girl on the planet, but the thing is she has no clue. She's got no clue how gorgeous she is. She has no clue I can see her every day looking in her mirror. She tries on at least ten different outfits before finally finding the "perfect" one. But she'd be perfect wearing a potato sack. She thinks she has to live up to these expectations that won't matter in a year's time. We will all graduate soon and nothing will matter. When I said I have no friends, I guess that was kinda a lie. She's my friend, but I don't want her to be my friend. I want more. But I don't want to get rejected. So I have no hope that Aubrey will ever like me. And that is a fact that I have excepted. I'll just be a lonely looser for the rest of my life."

And that's where the video cut off. My best friend said he liked me. Emphasis on LIKED. My mom got a call two months ago. Derek jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He committed suicide. I hate that word. Suicide. That word meant my best friend gave up. His brain told him he was useless. His brain told him I didn't like him. I did like him. I had no clue he liked me. God why didn't he just tell me? He could have saved a lot of heartache. It was my fault for not telling him how I felt.  I killed my best friend because I couldn't open my big fat mouth for once. Why did this have to happen? My best friend is gone. Derek is gone because of me.
~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~
NO! STOP! DON'T DO THIS!
I woke up from dreams every night since he died. No not dreams; they were nightmares. I'm my nightmares Derek would jump off a cliff, but I would be standing right next to him when he did it. I would yell but for some reason he couldn't hear me. I wouldn't get the memo and keep yelling. I would yell in my sleep as well. I'd wake up in tears. Nothing helps. Not even the meds they give me. I just sit in my room all day looking through the pictures of us together. I watch the video he made. I watch it over and over. I listen to music as loud as it goes. Anything to numb my senses. I barely eat. I barely come out of my room. I'm only 110 pounds. It's getting bad. But I can't shake the feeling that it was my fault. I need to get extra help.
~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~•~~
                {2 more years pass}

So I've gotten so much better since I wrote last. I'm 125 pounds now. I'm healthy and I exercise everyday. I still slip I to depression sometimes and think his death was my fault but I just have to tell myself there's nothing I could have done to prevent it. It doesn't mean I don't think about him every day because I do. But I think happy thoughts instead of thinking of his suicide. I write letters to him every night and throw them into his window. I know he won't get them but I'll know he would appreciate it. My only regret is not cherishing the moments I did have with him. He's in a safe place now. I love you Derek. Sleep tight.