NIGHTS

CUTTERS DIARY

 The wind caressed my cheek harshly as I ran for my life. The dark, cold; stormy night caused me not to see anything. My body went into panic mode. Fear filled my brain and all the rational things that could have saved me from this terrible situation left my mind. I was stuck not knowing where to go or what to do. All I knew is if I didn't act fast i was going to die. My mind went completely blank and I knew there wasn't any hope for me. The exact thing i was running from caught up to me. Blood dripped from the deep cuts in it's wrists while it's cold, dark eyes stared into my soul. i couldn't place it but I've seen it before. It reminded me of something... or someone.

It came closer and closer until I could hear the thick red blood drip for it's wrists and splat on the ground. I looked up at the creature still scared and stuck. I Pleaded and begged hoping it would spare me from whatever horrible thing it had in store for me. The monster just stared not moving at all. I took this time to try and gather my thoughts and find a way to leave this place. My mind went into denial mode. "This isn't real, this cannot be real," I kept repeating that sentence until I felt myself drift to sleep.

The cold hard surface made me numb. I couldn't feel my body anymore. Everything was spinning out of control while the hammer inside my head started pounding. I tried to get up but stumbled and fell back on the floor. The pain from the fall nearly made me pass out and the hammer inside my head moved hastily pounding and pounding.

Once I finally make a successful attempt to get off the floor i looked around my white crappy bathroom wondering how i got here. Once i looked in the mirror i was shocked. The cold dead eyes and pale face gave it away that i was my own monster. i was afraid of myself and what i do to myself. I looked down at my wrist to see dried blood flaking off onto the ground. I look at the sink and see a razor and a opened bottle of pills.

My long sleeved sweater burned and irritated my raised red cuts. I always adjusted them awkwardly and tried my hardest not to cringe or make a face at the pain. I knew that it was my own fault and that I did this to myself and nobody forced me but I still wished i had someone to talk to. I didn't want cut or pop sleeping pills like it's candy but there was nothing i could really do because therapists scared me. Just thinking about the pitiful eyes and concerning voices of my parents and my therapist would have if i told them scared me and maked me like feel i was wrong. I felt as if I shouldn't be here; that i needed help surviving my own mind. My parents couldn't tell that there was something wrong me. Its not that they were busy or they weren't ever there they just didn't care or pay attention even though I was always with them they had no idea. My father had a theory that depression is an excuse so people like me can go crazy and do whatever we want. That isn't true depression is real.You feel as if you can't do anything in a normal situation you feel as if people are always talking about you and they hate you or they think you are pathetic.

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Unlike any other teenager my age i actually like school. It takes my mind away from what happens at night and my reoccurring dreams. I don't really have any friends like most people my age because i am very closed off person. I just really hate people and they scare me. You would think that my parents would notice how much time I spend at home and how I never talk about friends or other people in a positive light. It doesn't even cross their minds. Sometimes I have to step back and wonder what would have if they weren't always acting blink and deaf. My life would be horrible but still better than this. I just always wished they would come to me instead of me having to go them. I am just going to have to face the fact that I have absent parents that are blind.

After about 20 minutes of me roaming the halls waiting for my one friend to come and save me she finally shows up. Her dark raven like hair stick together in the most ungirliest ever. She and I are like two peas in a pod.We never try in school and its okay because we know who we are and who we want to be so there isn't any reason to try and find ourselves because we never lost it. We've been like this since forever really. I don't think we'll change either. I wouldn't want to.

My friend, Sabrina and I walk slowly roaming the halls waiting for our bell to ring. Keeping our heads down and trying not to be seen is pretty hard because we are targets for bullying and our appearance in general is very noticable. My noticably itchy and obvoius tear stained face makes everyone turn and think im weak and need to toughen up but it they knew how strong i really was they would be scared of me.