Not even friends in the end.

At the end it doesn't even change anyhing.

It started with a friendship. You know the one where you meet a great person and connect with them in a certain level. That is until you meet their friends. And turns out you became a friend with a popular while you are the outcast. And you know it will never work out. The friendship. You should give up on it. But you don't. You become close, you are clingy and she doesn't seem to mind. But when she is around her other friends she totally ignores you. You get used to it after a while. You know it was going to be this way with her. But what you didn't plan on is well you finding her attractive. But yet somehow one day you see her and your whole heart fills up with warmness and you can't explain it. It might be because you get
To finally talk to her. And you know you will get those amazing hugs that even when it's over she still lingers her arm around you.  You love that. One day you get to courage to give her a kiss on her cheek but when her friend sees he thinks its weird. But she didn't push you away she you continue to kiss her cheek whenever you see her. Hardly so it's a experience when you do. You talk at school. But outside you don't. You mind but don't push it because you don't want to find out the truth of why she doesn't try to even contact you. You stay ignorant. You are afraid of the truth: she doesn't like you, she just uses you. After two years you still like her. It doesn't matter though you can't tell her but you truly want to. You hate it when she is going out with others. And what's worse she tells you about them. But what's funny is that that's the only reason she talks to you now. You guys are distant now but sometimes see each other. You hate how she still has power over you. Like when you totally are ready on giving up on that friendship because it will only cause you harm but she has a way of pulling you in again. She is a tempting person. So you finally decide the only way she will most likely leave you alone. Sure it will hurt you. Not talking to her but you don't feel like causing yourself much more pain than necessary. So you go up to her. You ask her was she would have done after her guy best friend told her he liked her and he didn't come out as gay in a few weeks. Would they have stayed friends or not? Would she feel comfortable around him or not if he were straight? She would say she wasn't sure. Maybe stay friend because he is bound to get over her. So you figured that since she didn't really say yes on not being friends you tell her. You tell her you sort of have a thing for her. While this is going on your anxiety seems to be rising and the panic attacks. You see her face expression. She looks kinda confused and like she doesn't believe you. But at last she laughs it off and says she didn't expect that. That seems to be the only thing you really remember because after you were numb. She didn't say how she felt. But I guess you kind of knew, like a lot, that she would never. You tell her not to tell anybody about it because you don't want to come out. You tell her that is the last promise she can make to you. She says sure. You believe her. But them again don't believe anybody. Too late. She seemed to have told her close friend. You kinda figured. She always shared everything with anyone. But you hoped that that secret would stay between you and her. It didn't. You denied it if anybody asked. For the next two years you only talked to her a few times. And it was only 'hellos' and that's about it. You moved on with you life. Till this day you aren't sure how you feel about that day. Should you have told her or not? Would things be different right now if you didn't tell her? Probably not. So in the end you don't regret your choice.