I honestly think one of the hardest things I'm going to have to do is find out how to genuinely love myself . I feel like if I could somehow get rid of all these bullshit negative things that I so involuntarily feel , that I would be a person that I wanted to be but I don't know how to do that . I try so hard to keep the bad thoughts out of my head but they come over me and won't leave until they know that I've felt them and felt them hard . When it's summer like this where I'm by myself a lot I get to feeling actually pretty good about myself because I have no one to compare myself to and by the time I have to go out and face people ,I have myself convinced that I am actually something special . Then I see all these pretty girls and the tight groups of friends and I know I'm just another person who's never going to make an actual difference in anyone's life and then I'm back at square one . I think that's my biggest problem . I don't know how to stop comparing myself to other people and that's whats ruining me man . I don't know how to just be content with who I am and what I have and I have to want to be someone else , someone better all of the time and I don't know how to change that . Comparing and degrading myself is just something that's come to be second nature to me . It's just carved in my mind that I'm so inadequate to everyone else and there's no getting rid of the feeling . Am I always going to feel like this ? Because I hate it . I hate feeling like I'm just some below average last choice that will never amount to anything . And the scary part is that the more I think it , the more it comes true, because then I lose my motivation to do anything and I end up wanting to lay down for hours at a time and I can never get anything done or even started all because I hate that I hate myself and don't know how to fix it . Sometimes during the day I'll be up and moving around and I'll feel happy and positive and just , good , and I'll think " Hey , maybe I could actually apply myself to something for once " And I'll think that once school starts I'll be able to get everything done and do it well , and I get so excited to start doing things right for the first time; And then it gets to being 3 in the morning and any motivation that I had prior is gone and I know that it's going to be exactly the same as it was last year . I'm going to spend all 6 class periods hiding the headphones in my ears and regretting every little thing I did that day. I know I'm going to write " good day " on the back of my hand when I wake up to try and convince myself that I can actually have one of those, but wash it off by 1:30 because I already fucked something up and leaving it there makes me feel like I cant do anything right because I never can . I'll get home from school everyday knowing I have shit to do but I can't bring myself to do it because I just want to sleep because maybe when I wake up I'll feel okay again but it's never the case . I always feel just as bad as I did when I woke up the day before . It's all just a cycle that I'm extremely fucking tired of being apart of . I don't understand why I have to do this to myself. It's all 100% self induced bullshit that could be avoided if I was such a fucking crybaby all the time . I don't know what to do about it anymore because it's not " getting better " like everyone says it's going to . It's the same thing day after day and I can't deal with it anymore . I want to stop breathing because every time I take a breath its one part air and two parts this weird depression I'm putting myself in . It's tiring .
