Pain and truth

Chapter 1

Monster I am

My name is rose and I fight everyday with who and what I am......

As a young girl being turned it wasn't easy to hide my secret. Everything changed about me and everyone realized it, they just didn't know why. I became more angry, aggressive and saddened. all of my feelings were heightened, I knew as a girl I was hiding my feelings sense nothing had gone right when I was human. I was always sad and angry as a human but I could control it I looked happy to everyone around me including my self. as a vampire I can't do that I always look mad at the world even my friends say I look mean. as a vampire you become more independent, more aggressive anything will set you off if your not carful but the one thing you constantly feel is sadness.

Walking to my house in the night wasn't a unusual thing for me. as kids we had always ran the naborhood with friends in the dark. as we grew up we all separated and didn't go out that much anymore. I always found an excuse to go out still. I liked the night, the way the moon shined in your eyes reminding me of the new world I was in. The best time to go out is in the fall, it's cold and better for my body temperature, sense my temp was higher then a humans I was always hot and warm the kids at school would always hug me during a fire drill because I was always so warm. the cool air helped cool me down, made me breath better, made me move better and quicker. I had heard a noise in the woods I knew it was an animal and I also knew I was hungry. the urge to kill and feed takes over my body everyday it's a constant struggle to keep control, it was almost easy for me because I hate what I am. so I turned and walked away. I always starved me self from blood, if I had to much I would become aggressive and dangerous, starving myself was the only way to feel a human trait which I wanted most sense I turned. it weakened me when I didn't feed and that's what made me human .......well a little almost. I had all the traits the teeth the eyes and the strength. It wasn't hard to trick people though, they just thought I was unique.

Full Moon

The full moons bring me to a place I don't want to go. a world that hurts, it makes me feel emotional. it brings all my past heartache back, my muscles begin to hurt I begin to cry and suffer. I want to scream, it's like the night I turned all over again. my blood feels like is boiling, I begin to try to do anything possible to stop the pain even to the point I will hurt myself. Every moon has a different effect just like every moon has a different name. it's like they were made to hurt us to punish us for are sins. my heart beats, the full moon scares me because I knew the pain it will cause. the best way to feel less on the full moon is drink, but I will not because the pain is the only thing that keeps me human. they say becoming this is a gift, and every human wants it. I will tell you now you do not it is not a gift it's a curse. one that you have to share alone, there is one perk of being who I am, it's the imprint you can have with another. when you feel so do they when you love so do they. it is the greatest feeling you will ever feel, you would do anything for this person and they would do the same. your bond is so strong you can feel the other persons soul. loving someone that much only happens in the movies. when you imprint you never love anyone else there the only ones you will ever feel for. humans can't feel this...... that is why I am saddened, because I .....imprinted on a human. I do not know the feeling of being loved the same way I love this human. this human knows my secret and cares for me deeply but will never feel what I feel. it's very sad to be so alone in this world like that. I feel alone I feel cheated out of the life I wanted to live. the love I once wanted is gone, I still wouldn't change it, that would imply loosing my human and I couldn't do that......i would never do that.

Time to kill

I am so hungry but I must not drink, but I'm so weak my head is spinning. I dropped to my knees and look up at the sky to see my world once again. it's dark my world is so dark, why am I such a monster! it hurts to think of myself as this the only way I can. all that's going throw my head is "kill kill kill. you need to it will help it will take the pain away, NO! there is another way" I do not kill I take what I need and leave unless it is an animal. I get up as fast as I can and head for the woods, I see it. a deer in the distance. at any other time I would wait for it to come to me sense it is attracted to my sent, but I am so hungry I run to it and snap it's neck. as I plunge my teeth into it I take a step back to look at what I've done, I'm not proud of it. when I sink my teeth into it I feel everything the animal had felt before it died. it hurts me to see how much I terrified this poor animal it was scared .....I did that...... whenever a vampire feeds it can feel the feelings inside there victim, some of us take pleasure in knowing they did that, those are the ones you have to watch out for....they kill for fun. I do not i feel sorry for what I have done I do not like to hurt anyone, it seems that's all I'm here for now.

Running

Running from your past and from you future is not a good thing. I at lest have Eva my human the one I care for most she's my sister and I love her as my own sister. she's not my real sister but I think of her as one she's 18 I met her when she was 17 when I imprinted on her in high school. I'm 15 by the way I turn 16 on Halloween. Eva has always been the one I look for when I need advice. I trust her and she cares for me when I need her. she knows my past and she's trying to change my future, I think she already has. she knows what I am and still excepts me, I love her for that. she's the one who pulled me from turning into something I hated and I thank her everyday because she may not know this but she saved my life. I like to make her mad because we see things differently but that happens In every friendship. I don't see her alot anymore only when she can come and get me. it hurts but I understand.

Fighting

You have to fight everyday to survive. not only fight the hunger but to fight your enemy's as well. I was trained not to show weakness or fear of anybody. even if it does scare the shit out of me most of the time. you always have to be one step ahead of everyone else, use all of your senses. smell the air constantly, hear what's around you and see everything. I've made friends with people I know I can count on to get me what I want. I always have info before anyone else does and if they have it first find better info then they have. I have a strong mind to persuade people into giving me what I want. the only one I can't do it to is Eva she knows all of my tricks and yet I'm ok with that because I would never harm her, actually I've spent most of the time I've known her protecting her. sense she is human and I am a vampire it's forbidden to imprint on a human. I would willingly give my life for her if it came to it. I will protect her at all cost. no vampire is a good vampire I have done things in my past I am not proud of. I found a way though I had Eva there, I wanted to change for her so I did. I still fight with hunger that is the most fighting I get now ah days, sometimes humans high school drama just to keep a human profile.

My eyes

Seeing the world in different point of views was always my goal, but now I can only see it in one. my point of view the hard cruel world we live in survive or die. some of us have someone there to protect us. for others it's a hard life to live in. it hurts and it cuts us out to be monsters, you have to choose to be better and I did.