Suicide Notes

Prologue

  I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. But I can't do this anymore. I can't go on living this life. It's not worth it. I am going to kill myself. I would have done it sooner. I almost did, several times. But I didn't. Why? There are three reasons.

Reason number one: People kept telling me it would get better. They told me everything would be okay and everything would get better. But it didn't. It didn't, and it never will. Life will never get better for me. I have spent years believing it would. But I have finally realized that it won't.

Reason number two: I was afraid. I was afraid of what would happen. Would there be a heaven and a hell like they said? And if so, which one would I end up in? Or would it all just stop? I was terrified to find out. But I am done being scared.

Reason number three: I wasn't entirely sure about my religion anymore. I guess this one kind of goes along with the second reason. But whatever, who cares anymore? I'm dead now, what does it matter? I'm sorry, that was insensitive. But anyway, I was raised as a Christian. "God is great, life is good, and I am happy". Then I grew up. My life got pretty bad. And I prayed. I prayed for things to get easier, I prayed for the pain to end, I prayed for it to get better. And it didn't. What kind of God would ignore someone who is begging for help?

You might want to know why I am going to kill myself. In case it isn't obvious, I'll tell you the three main reasons. First off, I feel alone. Most of my friends have abandoned me. The few friends I have left are great people but they just don't understand what I'm going through.

Another reason is, my family is falling apart. I am constantly fighting with my mom and my brothers. My aunt kicked my cousin out for no real reason. My grandmother is being robbed by my uncle, who still lives with her. There's a lot more examples but I don't have enough time or paper to list them all.

Also, I feel like I'm invisible. People see what I show them. But no one sees the truth. Because no one wants to see the truth. I have been dying inside for two years. I have cried in a crowd of people and no one noticed. No one noticed because they were too busy with their own lives.

Those are the three main reasons. There are several others but those are the most important ones. If you don't think that those are good enough, well, you try living with this pain.

I am going to hang myself at school tomorrow. But if you are reading this, it means I already have. I am going to do it at school because I can't do it at home. I just can't.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to hold on. I've been trying to hold on for months but my hands are slipping. I'm sorry to those who tried to help. I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.

Goodbye,

Lacey